behind the eyesI

I look into her eyes and see nothing but aloneness and pain and then I look in the mirror and see the same. It hurts to know that this girl at 14 and this women at 50 are still in the same pain and aloneness. Am I wrong with what going on or am I wanting this to be. Do I want to be by myself, maybe this is who I am. Sometime I wonder it easier for me to be and then I don't get hurt and then I don't expect anything from anyone. Then there is no disappointment when people let you down or you cant get what you want. Why cant I get out of this, why cant I see what is happening and all I want is to be happy and I don't know how to be.. Why is life so easy for others and see them happy with everything. All I want it have a little more so I can do things. LIke not to worry about money just spend whenever I can and not worry about how to feed my family or to paid the bills. I would love just fly away to anywhere and just enjoy and not feel guilty. Now we have put my mum in a home and now I feel even more like a failure to my dad, we promise him. I am a failure at my study and didn't complete my uni but thing is I still wish I was a teacher but I know it never going to happen. So I look at this photo and still the pain and hurt from all the pass and knowing this person so well she still feel the same way. Why cant I get over this, is because I think I need to be punish and hurt with pain. I don't feel good enough for my best friend, why is this so. I don't feel IM good enough for my children they need some better than me, maybe me being in this marriage is what I derisive. Well I think this enough here I need to go back to my personal diary and write there. Cheers Deb

I'm scared

I'm so bloody scared, what if it's bad and things are not right. What's going happen maybe I should end it now. Not put my family through it. I like I said I'm Scared. Who is here to help or hold my hand through this. I'm trying not let anyone see but it's getting harder to not show something is wrong. My head has got to the way it was when I wasn't coping. That's scares me too, no one understands it at all. I will lose the peopIe care about again , that frightens me. Can I cope with it this time. Am I getting told its going to happen again are there sign. Am I reading the sign right or am Not tbinging straight and its all in my mind. I really don't know, drinking again which I haven't done for a while. Keeping to myself again, I was doing really well, well thought I was. The sleepless night again the dreams again. All I want is it all to stop. Goodbye. Cheers Deb.

over it

I am so over it I couldn't believe it. I got told it my turn and tell you I don't mine being my turn for my mum. This weekend Im off out with my besties and old school friends and work mates and staying out in town and but now it my turn and I asked if one of them could do. No we being going up and it your turn and we have a life. Gee when they cant make it I do for them but when I ask no no no.. All I can go to hell and Im so over them all.

This is crap

This feeling of be so down and understanding why. Feeling like shit is not fun at all. All I want to do just drink and Not think and feel. Sometimes I wish this would just stop. It hurt to feel this way and I just sit and cry. Please can anyone stop this and just finish it. Maybe I stop it.

I didn't know

I was glad to know but I was hurt as well. I didn't know and now Im going have to watch what I do even closer, than before. Hey that's life.