I look into her eyes and see nothing but aloneness and pain and then I look in the mirror and see the same. It hurts to know that this girl at 14 and this women at 50 are still in the same pain and aloneness. Am I wrong with what going on or am I wanting this to be. Do I want to be by myself, maybe this is who I am. Sometime I wonder it easier for me to be and then I don't get hurt and then I don't expect anything from anyone. Then there is no disappointment when people let you down or you cant get what you want. Why cant I get out of this, why cant I see what is happening and all I want is to be happy and I don't know how to be.. Why is life so easy for others and see them happy with everything. All I want it have a little more so I can do things. LIke not to worry about money just spend whenever I can and not worry about how to feed my family or to paid the bills. I would love just fly away to anywhere and just enjoy and not feel guilty. Now we have put my mum in a home and now I feel even more like a failure to my dad, we promise him. I am a failure at my study and didn't complete my uni but thing is I still wish I was a teacher but I know it never going to happen. So I look at this photo and still the pain and hurt from all the pass and knowing this person so well she still feel the same way. Why cant I get over this, is because I think I need to be punish and hurt with pain. I don't feel good enough for my best friend, why is this so. I don't feel IM good enough for my children they need some better than me, maybe me being in this marriage is what I derisive.
Well I think this enough here I need to go back to my personal diary and write there.
Cheers Deb
