Yesterday

 

Wow boxing day is the best, just hanging out with my mate Sharon and finally we got to open our pressy from each other. This is what Sharon gave me and I really love this one because she made it and she has put alot of thought and love in it ( well made with a little love in lol). I got her scrapbooking goodies and it wasn't easy because has everything you see, but I asked a very special person to help me. Sharon is on her design team, so I thought she would be the one and yes we did come up with some thing really nice for her and things she doesn't have finally. So here are the things Sharon got me for Christmas and the mirror is so beautiful and this made me feel so special because it mine. I have a special place already for it. Jake asked what Sharon made for me, I said," the mirror". He said, "it was beautiful".

I think with cocktail mix we might have to try these on new year eve.

Thank you Sharon I love it and I'm glad we got to share these pressy with each other again.  :)

Cheers Deb

well things did

You know how I wrote things couldn't get any worse well it did. I lost a very person in my life tonight and it hard knowing this, we always spent Christmas eve but not this year. We spent it a part and i know I was miserable, my daughter felt like it was her fault and I kept saying know it wasnt, so she is feeling really bad about it. I was glad she got to see her best friend even if it was just for a minute and it was better than nothing.
Well merry christmas not is all Im going to say.

Cheers Deb

Christmas

Christmas is in 4 days, I'm not ready at all and I ready don't want to have Christmas, if I had my way sleep until boxing day but nope. Yeah in a strange mood as someone would say. I'm trying so hard to get back in my uni studying but just cant get it, work hasn't help and put some much of my confidence out of wrack. I think do  want it as much as before and the answer is no but I do want to be a teacher or work with kids. I had look at my hours and who Im work with and that not going to happen, not working on one:one. Cricket we lost again, I'm not enjoying the lost part but I don't know if I can play anymore. I love cricket but I just cant get into any thing and really no one understand because they know where they are and happy to be where they are, I'm not.  I need a change but what is the question I have never been this bad, I love who I am and love what I did but now I hate who I am and what I want.
Thats is for now and let see whats happen tomorrow......

Cheers Deb

fun day

Today was a fun day, it started off with Sharon and I at the gym. Then we went back to her house and change and then went off shopping. We went to ttp and look around the shop and we just hang out with each other. Then we went to the nail shop, so Sharon could have her nails done again, my god it took over hour, but that cools we just sat and talk and I watch how these women fill and design and paint your nails. Then we off to the movie, well that was a downer but it didn't matter we were just hanging out with each other that's all it matter. Then went food shopping for her hubby birthday tomorrow and grab a cake to for it. I hope he enjoys it and appreciated all the effort she has put in.  Well thats it for now.

Cheers Deb

So Sad

My daughter friend die in a car accident early this morning, she was nearly home that is the sad part about this. I feel so sorry to her family and friends.  Couldn't imaged what their family is going through, Just think what it would like if I lost my children and how I would feel. I can only be here for my daughter when she needs her mother but it something she will go through on her own. When I lost my three friends to a car accident when I was 15, no one could help me even though they try. All I wanted was to be alone and no one near me, the only person that could talk to me was my other friend that was in the car to. Just wish everyone will be careful when getting in a car.......

Dont leave me

I try to talk but things just didn't come out the way I want them to, so I stay silent  for now and hopefully one day i will talk to you about but.... I hope this is not the last Christmas for us and i hope you be here for the next one to. If I loose you what am I going to do, you have been my rock and I don't know if i could go on with out you in it. I know if you have to go and I will say goodbye for now until we can be together again. Your are always in my heart today and yesterday and tomorrow...........

yep

Went shopping with my sisters and it wasn't to bad. They told me my mum dog is dying from cancer and that's not good for my mum or us. so much i want to Say but just hurtful and to close to my heart and really not a place to say. All I can say it worry and scared and hurt.

Cheers Deb

holidays

Well holidays are here, I don't know what to do, well i know i have lots of housework to do but don't want to do that. Tomorrow lunch time off with my sisters to shop for the nieces and nephew Christmas shopping. I'm really looking forward for that not. I don't know what to do for Christmas now, my plans are gone to hell, that's another reason I hate Christmas. Some good news I have lost some weight and cm all over my body, so the gym is working and I love it. I'm lucky I have Sharon support at the gym I might have given up by now. well that's it for me tonight just bloody so tired and i need some sleep..

Cheers Deb

Stacey

Stacey a bit Angry at me, I wont let her have her lip pierced, I don't think she will like it later. I have no problem with her having her nose pierced but lip no no. So she not talking to me at all any more and mean she not. It was a quiet ride home tonight after cricket. Well I hope it no long she start to talk to me, but at the moment no.

Cheers Deb

Cricket Career

Wow this is my cricket career, over that 6 years but if I didn't play for another team I would have been 70 games but that life. so I have 3 more season after this, to go for my 100 game my god can I do it. I'm really proud of what I have achieve and I enjoy knowing I have hit a lot of runs and more to come.



Cheers Deb

Last week

Yep we are on the last week of work and I really cant wait for a break. I still be going to the gym everyday with Sharon, well I hope with Sharon. Then after new year off to my sister place for a week long rest and rest. I really looking forward heading there with Sharon and her family, just laying around on the beach going for long walks and going around the leg and foot and just sight seeing. Bring on the holiday and now i have to see what happens next year but for now I'm just going to enjoy my holidays and think about it next year when I get back form holidays. This is the only thing I can do I cant change her mind but just see if I can make things happens.

Cheers Deb

In a world of my own

You can say that at the moment, I'm really on my own. I have to make a decision on my own and no-one can help me. I have try to talk to the hubby but he just walks away from me, I was telling Jess about it and he just walk away again. What did he say get a real job, OK I thought it was a real job. I'm going to miss one person and only one person if I go. The hard part is Stacey is going to be so far from me and how am I going get to her right away, who going to be there for her if I'm not. That why this decision is going to be hard but it going to be good for me to get out and have no-one near me. I'm going to be so much on my own and not going let anyone get close to me. Still haven't made it but I need to by the week end and I need to know more.

Cheers Deb

NOPE

Well I didn't get what I want today and I wont ever get it, so do I stay in the education system or just get out of it. That what I have to do decide what I want. I'm so depress at the moment and nothing is going to get me out of it. No-one will get me out of it, even gym isn't helping me and I'm just going hell for leather and getting know where. All I want to do is just curl up and hide from the world and everyone in it..... Merry christmas Deb this is your gift........

Cheers Deb

Stacey

Today is Stacey birthday she is 15 now, I wonder where has the time gone. The day she was born was a very difficult on, she doesn't know any of this. My husband and I separate two months before she was born, boy it was hard on me and my other kids. They were my support and my rock, it wasn't easy for them and they didn't understand why, to be honest I didn't either, he chose something else over his family. So the day Stacey was born, I had my mum staying with me and my two older sister came to the hospital to support me and stay with Jess and Lisa. There was so much love in that room with my sisters and my kids and knowing Jake was been look after from my mum. Jess name Stacey and my sisters are very close to her because they were there. Her dad isn't he miss the most important part of her life. So on that day I decide she will never find out and I have keep it that way. I glad she came then because I was finding it hard and my family didn't understand, but just looking in her eyes it was there the love of this beautiful baby. She is still beautiful and this probably why we do everything together.

SO A BIG HAPPY BIRTHDAY MY BABY GIRL YOU ARE 15 TODAY
LOVE ALWAYS MUM XOXOXOX

Gym

Gee it been along time, but here is some fun news. My best friend Sharon and I have join a gym, will we join last week and already be there 5 times, It so much fun and i love it how we support each other on our journey to get fit. After 10 times we can get a special card which help you tackles the machine to you ability and I cant wait. At least we are having fun and we are enjoying this at the moment but we both have goals and that what we need. It nice to see best friends doing things together that is important to both of us and it so much easier for us. To me it has made our friendship more tight than what it was before but that me. Here a saying that I like and very true,"Friendship isn't about who you have known the longest.  It's about those who came and never left your side ......" That what Sharon has to me.


Cheers Deb

Thanks god it much better

Yesterday I went to my reunion and it was a very funny day. All these pic are from where we all lived long time ago. Lesley house is first, her and I lived across the road from each other.  The  last time I saw of that house was 24 years ago My house is the second one. The last house is Marian old one she lived up the road to me and Lesley. It was funny when we walk around the area, where Lesley and I lived it was hill, we both said we don't remember this hill being so big lol. The very first couple of pics are from our school, we use to play on these monkey bars, so I had idea of all getting on them like old time, but hanging down from this time, just a bit to old for that. It was a great day to see some very old friends that I grew up with, my bridesmaid Teresa was there to but we still couldn't talk like we use to but on the other hand Lesley, Marian and I, we just couldn't stop and it was so easy with them. We still give each other shit but I felt a little gang up on by them to lol.

down and out

Yep I feeling really sick at the moment, toilet bowl and I made friends all night, but this morning just the head and stomach muscle are sore. My heart is hurting a lot to this morning. Well tomorrow off to see my old primary school we have a reunion and its their 40th birthday I went to the very first day it was open and had to leave all my friends at my other school but I knew this was a new journey for me. I made a lot of new friends there, one was Lesley she moved in across the road from me so we end going to school together, u could say we were join at the hip. Teresa was another one she was my bridesmaid at my wedding and I get to see her again after 15 years. Let hope we can talk like we use to but I cant see that happening. Marian is going to be there to when she can and Lesley is hoping to get there before it finished but might not. We all intend to just walk around the old neighbourhood and just remember when it was so much easier. I'm taking Stacey with me to show her my school life and her to meet all my old school mates and maybe meet my teachers, where they can spin a line about me in school lol. I hopefully we can look at pic of us when we were just young kids with no care in the world and no problem to deal with. Yeah we had a fights and yes I was the one that didn't forget it and Brood about the fight and would just let it go of my anger and punch things because I was mad at them.  tell ya what I miss those days when it was much easier or really was it. Cant wait to walk the corridor again up those step to room 7 and where I spent most of my life and then on the monkey bars where we all just hanged out, yes we just hang there. Going back and having a look at the areas where i played sports and where I just enjoyed being kid. But they say you cant go back and not everything can be the same. That's a real shame but that life of growing up........ Nothing can ever be the same but let hope it can get better, than it was......

Happy Birthday Jess

At 2.30 today is the birth of my eldest daughter, well 24 years ago. So a big happy birthday to mine beautiful daughter JESS. I'm so proud of you and you know how I feel today because you have a beautiful daughter as well. The day I found out i was pregnant I knew I would love you forever and my life would change and it did. I was scared the day I had you because you came early than expected and i was on my own having you because the nurse and doctors were on strike and I thought I was going have you by myself but their was a one wonderful nurse who stayed with me and then your dad came back. I remember being in labour for 18 hours but when you arrive that all went out the door and all I could think of was, did I make her and is she really mine. Then they took you away because you were very yellow and then I was so scared because I couldn't understand why. They put you in a humanity crib but I did get to hold you, I was worry if I held you to tight I would break you. I was only 24 myself to, as you are now, with all the heart ache and pain over the last 24 years, I would do it all over again because you are my love and in heart as you were the day I saw you on the scan. SO A BIG HAPPY BIRTHDAY JESS.............

fun or not

I hoping things are going to better now and no more nightmare. We played our first game of cricket over last two weeks and we lost by 2 runs and I was very disappointed that we lost but hey it only the first and we still have a least another 8 to go. Well that's it for now, oh wait Its my eldest birthday this week, Jess will be 24 this Friday and then my old friend Lesley has her on Sunday she will be 48, yeah she was born on Halloween. well now thats it from me......

star for the week

Getting the boss to talk with and listen to you won't be a problem. Learning to delegate may be more pressing a task, though -- in the very near future. If some unsuspecting fool inadvertently angers you, expect to overreact. That said, it might be cheaper in the long run to hire a temporary bodyguard. Sure, you're angry. But how angry? In other words, it is more appropriate to pull out the verbal equivalent of a) a peashooter, b) a Supersoaker or c) a bottle of bubbles with a free bubble-blowing wand inside. Hmm. First, consider the source of your anger.

So let see how trhis turn out this week............

yep

 Here is some fun stuff, my star are saying this. Touchy? You? No way. You may, however, be a teeny bit moody, cranky or oversensitive -- but certainly not touchy. Unfortunately, the rest of the world may not be quite so astute at differentiating between these subtleties. Be nice, even if it's killing you and brag about your incredible self-control tomorrow. yep I could do this, where is the punching bag lol . this what my stars say about tomorrow

Well here some fun stuff.

Stacey and I went down to the beach and we took roxy. She was so very funny, she wouldnt touch the sand with feet at first then she wasnt going in the water. We got her in water and she hate it but she was very funny. Now she had a bath and all nice and clean and smells much better. I show you the concert pic soon as I get them back on my stick.

well

I went out and bought some new cricket gear and a diary this what i be writing in from now on. All my personal thought will be going in there and not here. Only my fun stuff I want to share and any news events will be post on here. Not any of my other thoughts they will stay very close to me and know one will ever see and or know what is written but me. This how I will talk to me and keep everything, no more will write things that hurt me or how I feel. This will stay close to my heart and only me know. So I'm going back to who I was and not talking about anything to anyone any more.

lost soul

I feel like I'm a lost soul lately and i don't know how to find me again. with all the stuff going on at work and in my life. I don't understand why I'm so angry lately and I don't have patience for anyone. I was a very patience person and didn't let anything get to me but lately everything is getting to me. From everyone that sook because they don't get there own way, to everyone that think they are right and to everyone that doesn't want to listen to me. I'm just walking away and keeping things to myself and I think this safe for me and probably more wise for me to do because i feel I just fly off the handle and finely tell people to grow up and just stop, your not the only ones in the world. I'm really looking forward to cricket season and getting to bat and hitting the ball and I mean hitting the ball. Just watch out if your the bowler because I ready for this. Maybe a punching bag would be good for me at the moment and give it a good hit. Everyone keep telling me everything be alright for next year with my work, but they don't understand because they have a job, I have to wait and see what happens. I hate the unknown and I need to know and it doesn't help. I'm alone in this world and that hows it feels and there is no one here for me to talk to and i don't know how to talk to anyone and are they interested in what going on in my life, or am i important enough to listen to.  Well that enough of this shit, it start to make sound like a bloody idiot and nuts.

concert

Tomorrow nite taking Stacey and Emma and Sharon to the paramore concert. Which we all cant wait to see, the girls just wanna go now and cant wait. Hopefully i can share some pic after the concert tomorrow.


First day back at work and it wasn't to bad, my boss wants to see me but just hid away but tomorrow i need to catch up and see what she wants. God I hope it not to bad news or hope it might the news I have been waiting for.

We didn't talk about what happen yesterday but i know you need to know what happen but that something i cant say.

Well that it for now, got get some sleep and then put my groove on for tomorrow nite lol

Im a

Yep the title say it all I'm a a bit of twit. I'm don't  know what I'm doing lately. Worry about you and now I'm doing stupid things and walking out on the only person that understands me, but today she wont understand. I don't really understand me. How did I get in this mood, well I do know but I dont understand why it bothers me so much?

lucky

I'm so lucky I have a very good friend that I have always thought of is my sister and I'm very lucky to be able to talk to her and knowing she will be there for me. One day i know when I need her most , she will be there. I know sometimes you like me to talk but you know me when I cant I really cant but you are always there for me anyway. Thank you

feeling

I'm feeling pretty sick at the moment and I really don't know what to do. i don't think any of us do. I thought my day couldn't get any worse but it did and now I don't know,  who I can turn to. Or who can I talk to, shit I just wish I could go back three days ago and just buried my head in the sand and not come out. maybe I should just get so drunk and hope it will all go away, but nope that not going to happen.....
Just seems no one will understand the feeling that are going on in my head and in my heart, what are we going to do and how can we. i saw someone I love very much die because of what had to be done I don't  want that ever again.  How can we not do something for you and why wont you let us help you, stop being stubborn and let us. I can see where I get it from.

holidays

 

 

 

 

Well finally i can show you pics from our wonderful holiday and trip to victor harbour,

Why

I don't understand why. I had some not so good news today. All I know is that if it happen I wont forgive you and i never will. The only thing is trying to stop it from happening, but that I cant and nobody can. Please when it does happen just say goodbye to us before, I love you very much. I might not show it but I love you and I will never forgive myself, if you go and I don't get to say goodbye to you. Well that has top off my holidays, after having a wonderful few days away with my closer friend and her family and my.

holidays

Half way though my holidays, haven't really done much but that going to change as from tomorrow. I'm heading up to my sister place, with Stacey and Sharon and her family. I really cant wait I haven't been there before so it a adventure for us all. All I know it has a wonderful beach. On Friday we all went to victor harbour for the day it was fun full day and very tired to. Stacey and Emma my me laugh all day with little funnies they did, they would do these silly things in all different pictures.

Well thats it for me I need to get some sleep up at 6 in the morning.

Cheers Deb

Nothing

I have so much to say but I'm not going to. It stay here and with me. If I say, I might just get to many people so upset and the language will not be pretty.

Today is the first

Well finally on holidays and I slept in and really enjoy only getting up at 11. Then I went off with my daughters for a day out and it what I really need, and was fun. We went to the psychic fair and had some readings done and spirit healing to. I had a first reading with a women name June, i was going make a booking to see her a her house but then she  called me over and said I think you and I need to talk now. I said ok,  She was amazing and some was true and some I didn't want to hear. It went to quick and I wasn't ready for it to finish. Stacey and Lisa wasn't with me they went and had spirit healing done, so I wonder over and see what was going on with them. Lisa look upset and she was and she was telling me later what was going on. I thought why they were still doing this I would go and have another reading. Well not much happen here but it came up a lot to do with different time and friendship. It has made me think a lot today, well after the fact. What make me laugh they both said I think to much about things and it makes me a bit crazy inside. So after that I caught up with the girls and we just chat about what they went through and some my stuff but I wont tell all I of it to anyone because it all for me only and i don't think anyone would appreciate what was said to me.  So the girls said it was really good at the spirit healing so I thought I would give it a try. My god it was amazing and so good for the soul and made me realize what I have to do and what I need to help me heal. So Lisa went of to see the guy i did and he came out and said everything to Lisa about her past and how she feels about different things. She said he was so spot on and he has help her and made her feel good about herself. So the day was fantastic and we really enjoy it. So maybe next time when it on again we might go again but we wont if it the same things on. So thanks for the day out girls, we all need it.

Cheers Deb

Why

Why do I feel so alone lately, is this what I don't understand. Am I keeping people I care about little in the distance. Is it because I feel like I'm going to be alone in the future. I really don't why I feel this way and I don't understand it. What is missing in me, this the question. Maybe I have had a look in the future and i see myself here and you there and not here with me. Today I just felt like I was on my own, and I really couldn't stop thinking that way. Where are all the people that care for me, no where in sight. I feel like I'm in the twilight zone, looking in and looking out but just cant connect with myself.

I don't want talk
If it makes you feel sad
And I understand
You come to shake my hand
I apologize
If it make you feel bad
Seeing me so tense
No self- confidence
But you see.

gee

I got watch what I say, its getting me into trouble. If I stop and think, that's not me, maybe I just don't talk anymore, then I wont get into trouble with anyone.  Maybe I should start  being just me and not talk, then I cant get into trouble. I know you want to be so much a part my life but I'm finding it very hard for you to be in it. You keep asking me when am I seeing you and why don't we do this and do that.  I know i should forget and forgive but sometimes the memories are more powerful than I can bare.  I'm not that person anymore  and I keep my life to me and walls are always up and ready so i don't get hurt again.

I really don't wanted to say anymore now, I'm so over this and I need to get over it and get on with it.

Happy Fathers day

Happy fathers day dad I thinking about you on this special day, always in my heart and on my mind love you and I really miss. its really hard to watch other people enjoy this day with their fathers while mine is not here to cerebrate with. I would have love to buy you something and see you today, but I cant you have gone from me 11years ago and sometimes i still wonder why. If only the doc got to you sooner and if only the doc knew what was wrong not what he thought at first and if only you weren't on that machine maybe the cancer wouldn't have spread so fast but these are if only. Yeah by reading this you may think i still a bit bitter about this and I am. My dad was taking away from me so quickly and I really wasn't ready to say good bye. People are lucky if they have a few years with their dads when they find out that they have cancer, but when you get told you need your stomach out and you have cancer there and you be alright when the stomach is removed but no when we went in it was too late it was spread in your liver, you have no hope go home and die, is basely this what we were told. So my dad die not long after he came home, the week before he die all my family went up. My sisters and their family were up there too, we were working around the yard and having fun, but really we just had to show mum we were. I went in to see my dad and talk to him and i asked if the kids could come and say hello he just a min i really tired Deb, ok dad. I just sat on the floor for a hour without dad knowing i was there, just want to be close to him because I knew I wouldn't see him again after that day and I didn't he die two days later. You might be wondering why i didn't, well my parents live 2 hour drive from here and we all had to get back home for work and school. My big brother was up there with my mum and my dad. They rang us the day he went into hospital but by the time we got there it was to late.

I MISS YOU DAD AND I LOVE YOU SO MUCH.

week 7

Wow school term is nearly over, then we are on holidays for 2 weeks. Some days i wonder what I'm doing here and then I still wonder. Gee over the last couple of weeks i have kept my dentist in business, I can tell you something i don't want another tooth out. I begging you just give me fillings now for awhile before the last tooth comes out, this pain is no fun. I was supposed to go to Melbourne next holiday but due to something it not happening at the moment but it will soon or later and I know Stacey is disappointed but she understand and I love her for that. I need more excitement in my life it starting to get a bit boring but I just don't know how to get what I want and things just don't go the way you want. Maybe I need a good night out and see some bands and have a few drinks with some good friends, or just need something. i feel there is something missing at the moment i don't feel content at the moment and I just cant seem to put my finger on it.
Well that it for now

Cheers Deb

the old and the new look

After work today Jake rang me and asked if I would take him to get his hair cut, yeah i can do that.So we are at the hair dressing and I was watching then i look again and my god he lost all of his long hair yeah was the first word out of my mouth, it my Jake again.

Now this Stacey new look, she decide that she had enough of  the blonde look and asked if I could dye her hair so she gone to reddish brown and it looks beautiful.

Cheers Deb