should I or shouldnt I

That is the question at the moment and I don't have a answer to it. Well since Tuesday afternoon and night I have been thinking and thinking. My daughter told me to sleep on it but the funny thing is I have been sleeping on it all week and I'm still sleeping on it. I really don't know what to do or i should just keep trying and see what happens. Well I keep sleeping on again and I hope I have the courage to go on but if not at least its my life and my decision.

Cheers Deb

No more thats it I have had enough, why do I bother. So no more I will never do anymore of this and I need to just relax and be me because what want, will never happen again. Im over this and have finally come to the conclusion it will never happen so why should try anymore.

Card making day

Today i went over to my bestie house for our monthly card making day, i was a little tired but still did them and I might not look I was having fun but I did very much. These days are very important to me, it a time i can share with Sharon and have fun learning new tricks and today i like because i could help someone else with their card and I enjoyed that. I forgot to show last months card making day but I'm going to show you here and now so the first two are from that day. The other two are from today and one them I made special because it a birthday card for a very important person, that's is always there for me in good times and bad., but they have to wait until there birthday to see it and that's in a couple of months. There is a very special versus in it to for them only.... Sorry but no one will see the inside because it for this person only.

Yesterday was my best friend daughter birthday Emma, we all went down to there local park for a BBQ and then we just left all kids to them self.

Later that nite I went to the arkaba to see the New Romantics what a wonderful nite seeing these guys sing all the 80's it bought back a lot of memories

The last pics is my friend from Primary school

Cheers Deb

end of the first week

First week over tomorrow, what a week this has been. Monday back at work and time to catch up with everyone, then Tuesday went to the doctors to have a lump cut of my head. I did get a few jokes about having my brains taken out and maybe having brains put in, very funny guys. No all he did was once again lets just dig around ur head and see what we can find, he cut all the skin of where i have the infection. No needles and his knife bloody hell he nearly lost his ????. So now its more cream and then back again and this time to see if the infection has clear up and then i can have it finally cut out. Wednesday Stacey went on her school camp, boy do i miss her, but she is back tomorrow. Today I had a video conf with my uni and to helps us with our assignment and I'm still have no confidence at all but i will give it a try. I have leave my head but just much pain going through it, but at least I stay on until the end and they record it so we can go back anytime. Tomorrow Stacey is back and its the weekend for us, well a long weekend. Saturday is my bestie daughters birthday party and it my primary school friends birthday to, then Sunday my bestie is having a card making party at her house, so Im off there for that. Monday it a day of school work and starting to plan and write my assignment. I having got my marks for the other two assignments yet but with literacy one we have a new tutor so this one wont be ready until next week. Waiting to see if you have pass is a waiting game and I'm very scared that I didn't, if I don't pass these unit I will not continue with this journey but start a new one if i have to, I really dont know what yet. Well the heads is starting to hurt more now so Im off...

Cheers Deb

holidays

Well i come to the end of my holidays and back to work tomorrow, in one way i cant wait and in another way I don't really want to go back. I really need to concentrate on my uni work which i haven't and cant get back into yet but I have two assignments due in next month, yeah I know I stress myself all the time. So why do I do this to my self yeah I be asking myself the same question. DO I REALLY WANT TO BE A TEACHER..??????? Or can I just cope with what I'm doing now or look at doing something different. My sister col has me starting to think about this, after her and my convo today, and what would like to do. I was thinking about my brother David and his birthday which is a week after mine and how I would like to go and enjoy his 60 birthday but he lives in the northern territory now. We talk about a lot of stuff, which is very unusual we don't talk she preach at me but today she was making more sense than usual, she asked what I wanted and are you getting everything you want out of life and is everyone in your life worth being a part of your life. This has really got me thinking and when i start thinking it can be a problem for a lot of people and for me. Well thats it for me now i have to go bed soon because I have to get early again bloody hell not fair.......

Cheers Deb

come out of the wood works

Its funny how facebook can bring old friends back together and bring back so many unhappy memories with it. This what be happen to me lately, the other day someone else find me on facebook. I couldn't believe it it been a very long time and we fell out a really bad way, when i left high school. My mate Ozzie and i were friends until we had a falling out, it was because she decide to go out with the guy I had been dating for a year, then we broke up for a stupid reason and then not long after, when I went back to visit my friends at school i find out she was seeing him and there was a rule you don't date someone your friend had be dating and still had a lot of feeling for. This rule was throw right out the window when she did what she did. Now we have been chatting but not all is well. Now I really understand why i don't trust a lot of people and don't like letting people in. My primary and high school best friend and I split up because of another person that interfere, I knew what she was doing but this person didn't and now she does and she really sorry that i was so hurt by it and I have a feeling if we talk then we probably still be best friends but I remember what happen at the time I don't know if that was possible. We Were both talking how we had acquaintance as friends, but wouldn't really let anyone get close to us. She was saying she made sure her kids never let their primary school and high school bestie walk away or loose them. I understand why i do the same with my now. I'm lucky though I find another friend that I have let in and she is my best friend and i will never let her walk out my life. I cant see my life with out my bestie and I'm glad we have become friends and i trust her everything i tell her and to me she is my sister and best friend all wrap up in one. My primary school friend and i will be friends but i think it wont be the same because it be way to long for us to go back. How can anyone trust someone that hurts you but like i said i know we will be friends again but there will always be that non trust still there. It might sound childish but when someone hurts me, I don't forgive so easy and i don't forget either but that's who I am.

I must say it nice to see all the gang i did hang out with at high school and i will catch up with them all other day but when Im ready.

Saturday nite

On Saturday nite was my pres nite with mine cricket club, we all got grand final medals from the club and here is my and some other photos from the nite, it was great nite hanging with the girls as this was the last time we do for 6 months. I will probably see them again as we are planning to go out on the town and have some fun, because I seem to miss out on the after fun part, I had to work the next day when we won the premier final, then after pres nite I had to drive so i couldn't drink much. So they said we all need to do this again and no excuse this time to me, but I know how these girls drink been there done that with them and I have learn a very hard lesson, drink at your in time, not theirs. Then on that nite i stayed at Sharon's house as we had to get up at 4 in the morning to take her mum to the market to help her sell her jewellery and that was a long day there because I didn't get much sleep at Sharon's house one of her cats decide he would like to sleep with me and kept on sleeping on my legs and this cat is very fussy he sleeps with or lets touch and someone in the area decide to have a party until 3.45 in the morning, maybe I should have got up and went over there to join them since I didn't sleep. Then I went to watch roosters play, I miss half the game but it didn't matter we won. That nite i fell asleep on the couch and sleep until midnight and then i went to bed and slept a long time and this morning feel like I need another 12 hours. Well that's it from me.....

Cheers Deb

wednesday nite

Went down to Sharon house yesterday, we took the girls to netball, then we got tea for her family and mine. Then we went to my cricket presentation night, i was nominate for cricket of the year, well I didn't win it but that's OK I enjoy knowing I was in the great company with some of the great women's cricketer. Jess came with my beautiful granddaughter Giselle. Here's is some photo's of the nite. It was really wonderful having my bestie there to be a part of something that means a lot to me and I could share this with her. Having my Giselle this great to show her of to my cricket mates because Im always talking about her. Sat nite we are having our club presentation nite, i wont win anything here because we are all close in the batting but i start batting at number 5/6 so there is no chance winning here but that's ok I have 6 of these trophies on my cupboard. As you can see Giselle love my medal I won in the grand final, she was chewy on it and it was soak but thats ok she was adorable just watching her.

Down at the Beach

Stacey and I went to the beach it was a wonderful walk along the beach, well in the water. Some these photo were us just sitting on rocks right out as you can see, we could go out in the water and the water only came up to my knees. As you can see it a great way to think and I really need to think things over and Stacey was great she knows there has been something up and I need time and space to think but with someone with me and that was her.

We found some keys in the water they have been here for a awhile as you can see. This what not to do is swim with your keys in your pocket........

Then we found a blue ring octopus

and the last two pic are of Stacey and jelly fish I told to step on them and see what they feel like between your toes and then pick one up and it broke in her hand she was so sad.. lol

Cheers Deb

Walk

I decide I need to get out of this house and go for a long walk, so Stacey and I going down to beach for a walk. i have so much to think about and this might be the way to it. I need to get way from studying to I have really had enough of it and I just don't understand it. Maybe I need to get rid of the cobwebs. So much to think about and how to make the right decision and not the wrong one. So much happen over last couple of weeks and i really need to think and think, with my school reunion and things coming out of that from my long lost best friend and how she realise what happen with us 34 years ago and why. As I have written before with our friend and what they went through. What happen at work on the last day of school and how I need to make a very important decision and what was said to me, or not what was said. I know I shouldn't write how I feel here but i need to express it some where because my life has been turn up side down. Sometime I think why do we worry about anything, maybe because when you have been so hurt by someone you would think they would never hurt and the thing is they didn't realise they did. I know one person I should be talking to, they would probably agree with that to and I'm sorry I'm not, just please don't be angry or upset with me please.

Well I'm off now and going for the long walk and get rid of those cobwebs and then hopefully everything will be getting back to normal what ever normal is...... Hopefully i can finished my catch up with my school work..... And I can be happy again with all my life and stop thinking what I cant have and just enjoy what I have and the people that are in my life, before I loose these people

Cheers Deb

Mother and Daughter

Today Stacey and I had mother and Daughter time and it was really wonderful. We went to watch our favourite footy team and they won which made it even more special. My sisters didn't go they must have been away. These are the photos Stacey took of us at the footy. I really need this time with her to help her heal and more than anything me to.

Cheers Deb

Child abuse and adult abuse

A friend of mine was chatting to me about when we were young and how they knew someone that was abuse as child and it was a strange conversation as we haven't see each other for years. We were talking about their next door neighbour and mine and how they was scared of him and I said it over now they are dead. All week all I could think of was this very special person to us both and how would they be feeling about this. I remember they use to try and hurt themselves through high school and never let people get close because of the trust thing. I really didn't think my friend knew all this and I did about this person. They very close to me and I would know how they felt all the time and it was a very unnerve thing to think about what happen to our friend. There has been alot of sleepless night all week and I thought i had buried these feeling but they decide to come back up and as I haven't dealt with it very well and just shut myself down for few days....I start to read about how children survive as adult and if they can makes sense what happen to them. this is what I find Survivors are often out of touch with their feelings confused by emotion or reaction they cant explain or understand why. Always wonder how my friend knew because I know they were not told of this and we haven't see each other since we were 14 teen. Since that night i have avoid to talk them about it and anyone else..... I remember this guys wife die and I went to the funeral and i saw him and just frozen and i had so much hate for him, then he die I didn't go to his funeral and all I could think was it was over for my friend but really it will never be over for them. My sister want me to go but I made some excuse not to, but I have a feeling his daughter would be glad he was gone to and I suspect she was abuse from him to.... The memories of hearing what my friend went through is all I dream about no wonder i don't sleep anymore and I have just shut my feeling down to help me survive this stuff. Because all I know my friend lost her childhood to this and grew up way to quick and didn't know how to be a kid. The pain they went through and is still probably still going through every time someone brings up about the people in their life. You are always in my thought... My tears are falling now as i write this and think about it...........

Last word is if you have been abuse of any kind tell some one and dont go through it alone because you are not alone........

Cheers Deb

Happy Easter everyone

Yep happy Easter to all and I hope everyone had a great day. My day was studying and studying, I'm two weeks behind in my maths unit so here i am trying to catch but bloody averages are very boring so I'm gone through half the of that week work. Well at least school has a week holiday and so am i but here I am trying to catch up. I wish some can explain these average things better for me to understand, I do understand some of it and when Heard the hour long lectures It made a little more sense. Well off soon to get some tea, in my family every good Friday we go out and have barn bills for tea. Stacey and I are off to the footy tomorrow for mum and daughter which we havent had for so long, well got to get back to it, studying some more so I can sit back and enjoy a bit of tv

Cheers Deb

my star for the next couple of days......

Daily Gemini...... This is what it say for today. A friend may remind you of your long term plans and how special they are, Gemini, because you may be struggling to gain more control over your circumstances today. you may even have to deal with some confrontation in order to improve your status. You'll certainly benefit if while everyone else is playing the april fools game, you are looking for new opportunities/ But be careful that maintaining an objective stance, taking the hard and rational look at things, not seeing them as you want them to be. You feel burst of energy that's on it way, but hasnt arrive quite yet. you might feel you need to isolate yourself for a little while as you prepare for great things soon to come. mmmmm is all I can say to this. Do these things ever come true or are for people that need something to help them in their life, to understand what is happening to them. Or is it just a load of rubbish, well I'm leaving this last comment, well if these things come true good on them, or you believe so much that they will come true and this helps you get through your day let it be then...

Cheers Deb

Last day

Finally on school holidays and time to catch up with things, well uni work. We had sport day today it was bloody hot and tired. I left early i really didn't need to be there anymore so I took off. I'm so tired, i didn't get much sleep last nite up walking around the house. I hope to get more sleep over the next few weeks. I thought I would show you more of my cricket finals pics. There is heaps more but not for here to show.

Here is One more from my reunion the one I missed lol

Cheers Deb