Nothing

I have so much to say but I'm not going to. It stay here and with me. If I say, I might just get to many people so upset and the language will not be pretty.

Today is the first

Well finally on holidays and I slept in and really enjoy only getting up at 11. Then I went off with my daughters for a day out and it what I really need, and was fun. We went to the psychic fair and had some readings done and spirit healing to. I had a first reading with a women name June, i was going make a booking to see her a her house but then she  called me over and said I think you and I need to talk now. I said ok,  She was amazing and some was true and some I didn't want to hear. It went to quick and I wasn't ready for it to finish. Stacey and Lisa wasn't with me they went and had spirit healing done, so I wonder over and see what was going on with them. Lisa look upset and she was and she was telling me later what was going on. I thought why they were still doing this I would go and have another reading. Well not much happen here but it came up a lot to do with different time and friendship. It has made me think a lot today, well after the fact. What make me laugh they both said I think to much about things and it makes me a bit crazy inside. So after that I caught up with the girls and we just chat about what they went through and some my stuff but I wont tell all I of it to anyone because it all for me only and i don't think anyone would appreciate what was said to me.  So the girls said it was really good at the spirit healing so I thought I would give it a try. My god it was amazing and so good for the soul and made me realize what I have to do and what I need to help me heal. So Lisa went of to see the guy i did and he came out and said everything to Lisa about her past and how she feels about different things. She said he was so spot on and he has help her and made her feel good about herself. So the day was fantastic and we really enjoy it. So maybe next time when it on again we might go again but we wont if it the same things on. So thanks for the day out girls, we all need it.

Cheers Deb

Why

Why do I feel so alone lately, is this what I don't understand. Am I keeping people I care about little in the distance. Is it because I feel like I'm going to be alone in the future. I really don't why I feel this way and I don't understand it. What is missing in me, this the question. Maybe I have had a look in the future and i see myself here and you there and not here with me. Today I just felt like I was on my own, and I really couldn't stop thinking that way. Where are all the people that care for me, no where in sight. I feel like I'm in the twilight zone, looking in and looking out but just cant connect with myself.

I don't want talk
If it makes you feel sad
And I understand
You come to shake my hand
I apologize
If it make you feel bad
Seeing me so tense
No self- confidence
But you see.

gee

I got watch what I say, its getting me into trouble. If I stop and think, that's not me, maybe I just don't talk anymore, then I wont get into trouble with anyone.  Maybe I should start  being just me and not talk, then I cant get into trouble. I know you want to be so much a part my life but I'm finding it very hard for you to be in it. You keep asking me when am I seeing you and why don't we do this and do that.  I know i should forget and forgive but sometimes the memories are more powerful than I can bare.  I'm not that person anymore  and I keep my life to me and walls are always up and ready so i don't get hurt again.

I really don't wanted to say anymore now, I'm so over this and I need to get over it and get on with it.

Happy Fathers day

Happy fathers day dad I thinking about you on this special day, always in my heart and on my mind love you and I really miss. its really hard to watch other people enjoy this day with their fathers while mine is not here to cerebrate with. I would have love to buy you something and see you today, but I cant you have gone from me 11years ago and sometimes i still wonder why. If only the doc got to you sooner and if only the doc knew what was wrong not what he thought at first and if only you weren't on that machine maybe the cancer wouldn't have spread so fast but these are if only. Yeah by reading this you may think i still a bit bitter about this and I am. My dad was taking away from me so quickly and I really wasn't ready to say good bye. People are lucky if they have a few years with their dads when they find out that they have cancer, but when you get told you need your stomach out and you have cancer there and you be alright when the stomach is removed but no when we went in it was too late it was spread in your liver, you have no hope go home and die, is basely this what we were told. So my dad die not long after he came home, the week before he die all my family went up. My sisters and their family were up there too, we were working around the yard and having fun, but really we just had to show mum we were. I went in to see my dad and talk to him and i asked if the kids could come and say hello he just a min i really tired Deb, ok dad. I just sat on the floor for a hour without dad knowing i was there, just want to be close to him because I knew I wouldn't see him again after that day and I didn't he die two days later. You might be wondering why i didn't, well my parents live 2 hour drive from here and we all had to get back home for work and school. My big brother was up there with my mum and my dad. They rang us the day he went into hospital but by the time we got there it was to late.

I MISS YOU DAD AND I LOVE YOU SO MUCH.