Tired

Yes we are here in Melbourne. What a full day we had. Started off with queen vic market, then we cameback to the hotel and then we head off to the DFO on the south and then we walk to Harbourtown. No we are just laying around the room. On sad note north lost today,well next year. So sat and sun are mine. We bought a few things today and even I bought stuff for me.

Last night

Last night here tonight off to Melbourne tomorrow morning and I cant wait but still a nervous. Stacey cant wait to go and is looking forward going on the plane. Well that it for now see ya later.

Not long

Yep not long to go and Stacey and I get on a plane and off to Melbourne. I hope this is worth it all what has happen over the last month and 8 days. Yes it will be Stacey get to go on a plane we get to go away with all the shit that's is happening here. I might even get to see my brother in Melbourne. I do wish one thing that it didn't destroy my friendship but it did. With that day by day it is getting easier and easier and I found that out the other day. Jake has got a 7 day pass to the gym now and when we get back I probably join him up and it will help him with all the weight he has lost, 50kg he has lost which is pretty good. I was talking to Michael from the gym about it today and he said he would love to help put muscle on. I don't know if Im getting excited or just scared to go. I know when I get there I be ok, maybe I know what I might get when I get to Melbourne. I hope not but I just wish we could have talk before this and just clear every thing up. Well time to see if I can get some sleep, it pretty slow and boring.

Wow

I woke up from a nightmares and they weren't very nice but has left me really worry. I know they only dreams but dreams do come true and I can say that for sure. I have experience dreams coming true. Ok maybe Im worry about the flight and Melbourne just a bit nervous now but I wont tell Stacey that. Or I a bit concerns about these blood test we both had this week and wait until next Friday to see. I had my head down yesterday because this what I have to do.

Us

Today Stacey and I went to the scrap shop to see what we need but we decide to buy the tags. She said come on mum we not that good at it, so went to big W and I bought her a lego one and I got to red ones. Well three more sleep and we are off, I don't think we will sleep much on sat night. Took Jake to gym with us tonight and he loved it so I said let me work it out and I join him up. Get my car back tomorrow and Im looking forward to it.

Both

Both Stacey and I had bloody test this week and we both have to until Friday to see. It's going to hard week to wait but can think we will keep our self busy in Melbourne. Well car still in until tomorrow oh great. Off to the scrap shop to see what we get to make these tags. A friend made ours last time when her and I went to Melbourne. Oh well I still remember it and the last two before that, oh that was the past and now this the future. I do miss that bit of my life but I just got forget because they don't want to remember me. :(.

well what a day

I went to work this morning and then came home to some house work and now I can finally see my lounge floor, no thanks to Lisa. So Stacey and I are going to start doing scrapbooking we both have lots to scrap about. We are going to try and to our own plane tags, wish us luck. We have never try this before. Well back to netball tonight and then lots of stuff to do tomorrow. Getting ready for our Melbourne Trip and she getting so excited..

My hands are tried

Yep I cant do anything at all. Someone I trust has told me a old friend of my is having a hard time and I cant be there for them. I wish I could but its not up to me, it up to them. They block me on facebook so I cant talk to them. Hey Im thinking of them and that's all I can do. I have to respect their decision and I would love to be just a ear. Well I went to the gym and I came out sick, I really thought I was going to throw up. It helping me to get fit. Not long now for Jess wedding and connor first birthday. Well only a few more days until Stacey and I off to Melbourne and we both are looking forward to it. I have book our ghost tour of the goal and we are looking going to the zoo and as well as the goal during the day. We have planned everything and we going to the dfo as well.

love been on holidays

After a month and half of the unknown with my brother and all the stress I been through its nice to be on holidays and just rest. Yeah I go to work two hours a week but done than that. My car gone in for repairs again, let hope its the last time. Stacey and I are to Melbourne next week and Im looking forward to it. We both need the time together with out the rest of the family and world. The rooster are doing well and not nice to see will miss this week game but hey Melbourne is calling. Well my mum is doind ok in the nursing home. My big brother is happy with what going on and he look great but tired and I watch him get up stairs but he is here.

Had a great night with my sisters on Saturday night, we talk and talk about being kids. Then on Sunday my sister said to me hey I know you lost your best friend but you can talk to us and know you have never told us everything and you have her. I said yes I told her all my secret but maybe it time to tell my sisters. This has bought us closer that they know what happen when I was a kid. They thought all this other stuff with what happen with my bf but I just laugh at what they suggested it was funny and I said yuk you got to be kidding. So they know what happen with the downfall and couldn't believe it and thought it was a bit silly. I just said maybe there was more I just don't know. So now we can go through everything together. It was great seeing my brother and I took some pic to keep with me for ever and just so I can remember as is.

Birdy - People Help The People [Official Music Video]

yes we should help the people

Birdy - Skinny Love [One Take Music Video]

Ilove this so, when I listen to it I have the radio up full blast.

Me

Yes this me for the last few weeks. I cant wait to see my big brother because this is for him too. love David.

Family and Footy

Well, today it was a fun day, first us winning the footy and next week off to the next stage of the final and we be meeting centrals and we need to win for the next stage to go to the grand final. Normally we sit in the the members stand but this year we decide to sit in the outta and had so much fun. Well I had a lot of 15 mins of fame. All my sisters were there and the last time we were at a footy game was the grand final. So I have feeling my brother and my mum have been talking to them. We are having tea at my sister house and then sitting in the spa with lots to drink and then I have a birthday party to go after. So lisa is going to be my driver for the night. Cant have to much late of a night have game to watch the next day. So I can see they been talking so it time to talk about stuff and let them in. Saturday heading up to yorke to see my brother before heads to Melbourne and then off to Tas. Here is some Photo off the day.

I am

I am missing my best friend but I do understand why and I hope they understand me now. I was sorry for the way it ended. One day I hope we can at least become it again. Maybe we will never be like best friends but at least friends.

Cheers Deb

Everything Happens For a Reason

Yes I agree with this.

Goodbye My Friend(with lyrics)-Karla Bonoff

Wow still sick

My chest is on fire and my cough is killing me, no sleep is I get because all I can feel something going on. Be told because of all the stress I have been under for the last month, I have let myself get very run down. Where I work they could see it every day and start to become worried but as me I'm ok. Went back on to Facebook but it still as boring and everyone making out they your friends. To me real friends are the ones you speak to on the phone or in person. So back off it again maybe I check in again next week. Well off to the footy tomorrow and watch my roosters boys play, some guy is making Stacey a flag for the game. Jake and Nathan are coming to, if we win just might stay and watch the other game or just head to the club if we lose to spend time with the boys and say goodbye to jimmy and alleyway. Well let's hope I have some good news tomorrow night. Cheers Deb

Being sick

Yesterday I woke really sick, I have been for the whole week but today It was bad so rang in sick and then I sleep in until 12:30 when Connor woke up. After awhile I took jake and Stacey out shopping. I don't get jake out shopping so when you have you go. He has lost 50k of wieght so he need new clothes. I'm so proud of him,he lost so much weight and trying to finish year 12. We had really great day. I even sign Stacey up at anytime gym, so we go together, I go to the gym more often now. Stacey loves it, she loves the weights and they have the new bikes so we race against each other. She told me going to the gym is helping me get over all the crap that happens at school. Michael the pt still gives me shit but I'm giving it bad to. He said when Im ready he love to push me again. Lol. Cheers Deb

Me

After a hard session today this me, when I was young I lost me.

Again

Sitting at a place I thought I never be back at again. I'm here waiting again, to see how much risk. After talking to me this morning on the phone I'm here. Spoke to my big brother, I just couldn't help but cry. Once going on Deb and I just can't wait to see you and hug. He there hey I'm the one dying I should like this not you. I'm so sorry I just need a hug. Do will be here at the weekend and here for two week and then he gone.

Positive quotes

Don't follow any advice, no matter how good, until you feel as deeply in your spirit as you think in your mind that the counsel is wise. The face is the mirror of the mind, and eyes without speaking confess the secrets of the heart. Saint Jerome Cheers Deb

Wow

This was the first time, I didn't open my eyes all night. I was awake but I wasn't. Yeah I know it doesn't make sense but it does to me. Stacey went through a pretty rough time last night. Like no one wants her, I do know how that feels but hey her big brother is going tonight to give her support because I can't. It's so nice not having Lisa at me anymore because I don't need that, telling all that stuff. I need to work through this a my time and one day at a time. Is the motto. Cheers Deb.

On a good note

Jess My daughter who is getting married in Nov has made some her flowers I would like to share.

Stacey

I feel very sorry for Stacey, because of my mistake she cant even talk to her friend. Stacey keeps saying its ok but it not ok. I was a idiot for what I did at the weekend, there was no excuse for my action. When I was talking about to my councillor and what lead to it, if only they didn't stop and just walk past I said I wouldn't have did what I did. They just said hey Deb I think it was meant to happen, oh great, until then Stacey could ring her friend now she cant. So now we are talking through all this but all this wasn't my fault, it was both of us, I just finished it badly. It just feels like they blame me for all of it but my councillor said it wasn't and I shouldn't take all the blame, so this what I need to do. Forgive myself, when we were talking all the stuff from when I was a kid to now. I told them I wasn't like this 2 years ago, so now we are looking at what started this and I have a feeling. So that's the next session. Cheers Deb

Yes today

Lisa has meet a girl at her tafe course she went over to her place. This girl mother came up to her. Your mum has trust issue and something horrible in her pass, she hadn't got over it. I can help her if she ready. So I went over there and just see what's this about. She knows I'm not a real believer anymore because of pass experience. So she start off with a young girl around you. I don't know anyone, then she said they die in a Horrible car crash, shot I was amazed. Then she keep going on about things, wow she was spot on. Then she said their a woman here and she going between two of you, huh she was someone you know but a special person to someone else. I'm ok. Then she explain her to me talk yeah was to me, love everyone and alway have a good joke with. She told leaves things now and things will work out. Give time but could be awhile but will work out one day. So I'm leaving it and trying toget help and heal myself. So I'm sorry to her and it's going heal me and if it happens it does, if it doesn't it doesn't. Today I woke up better with having a bath with all the stuff I had in. I am hanging with my old friends Friday nite and the week after I will go to one of the teachers 40 birthday party. Until I am heal I'm not good for anyone. Cheers Deb

Family

At the moment seeing my kids hurt because they are seeing me hurting and not knowing what's going to happen. I wished People would not just consider their life but what happens in the other person life and what happens with their kids. Today at the lunch breaks I sat by myself. I couldn't handle anyone and I just want to be alone. Its my way of coping and the need to have space. The tears are here and not going away. I just don't understand why and why again to me. Wasn't the first time hard enough but the second time it even harder. Im getting support from people I didn't know I would and its nice to know. Its even better knowing Stacey has lots of support at school from Aaron and his family. Well that's it for now. Cheers Deb

All about me

Yes as from now is all going to be about me and my journey to self healing me. Yes I been on the phone most of the day talking to my councillor, I did something so stupid and I have lost someone that means a lot to me, like we were sisters. I was in a dark place if I don't self heal me I will never be a good person and I scare myself after I dropping Connor off. This not going to be a easy journey but I need to heal not just the soul but also my body and mind. I need to realise I can be love for who I am not just because what I am. I need to love me first and I don't. I hate myself for all the things that have gone wrong in my life and I hate me for all the hurt I cause. I need to forgive myself because it wasn't my fault but at the moment I can't. I so much wanted to say this to someone but no I need to give them space and I need to heal me for all the hurt in my life. I going to have my ups and downs but I will get better. Cheers Deb

Top Tracks for Leona Lewis (playlist)

The last few days I have been going over the year and what been happening. My brother had cancer then was better and my mum look like she wouldn't live beyond this year. Me not coping with my mum and wishing for help and understanding. Then My sister in law has two lung transplants and is still not out of trouble lucky to get out of bed. my big brother has a heart attack and then finds out the cancer is back, off for test. My mum is not getting any better, so what do we do, put her in a home where she not happy. My brother test come back, the cancer has spread to his from his neck down to hips on the left side. told by the doctors take you time for treatment no rush. So he now on his way down and enjoying his life to the fullest. Me so stress living here and the way I have been treated. Lisa moves in and trying to build her a room at the back and still not finished but no one cares. It nice to have Connor here. Me lost my bf and still lost them. Idiot had his fifty and no one went and came home and abuse us all, so Im glad taking Stacey away from this, when we go to Melbourne so her and I can have a peaceful holiday than worry about what's next. He was really nasty to the kids and then calling me see you next Tuesday a few times but I had no one to talk because I have no bf any more. My stress level is going over time and few panic attacks and blacks out. My big brother will be here soon, spoke to both of my boss that Im taking off to see him and cry a bit with one and then we had a laugh about some other stuff. My k school boss has been great support when I told her last week. So what a year and its not over yet. No wonder I don't want to leave my bed any more. Hey look on the bright side Jess is getting married on Nov 3rd and Connor turns 1 in Nov and Stacey is 17. So for now Im looking forward to Melbourne with Stacey and enjoying my time with her and then lets see what happens after Nov with my life. Oh I love this song and its for MY family. Cheers Deb