Early morning call

Very early this morning, one of my old friend rang me with some not so good news. Lesley rang me telling our other good friend Marian father died yesterday, not good to hear, So my thoughts and love go to her and her family. Lesley and I both know whats it like to loose our parents, Lesley has lost both and I with my Dad. so we know what she is going through at this moment. Well thats it for the moment.

Cheers Deb

On my own

Yes I just realise that I am on my own, my family is trying and I would love to tell my brother and mum. They have their own problems, spoke to Dave today and we have to wait until the 8 Feb and its going to be a long wait. He knew that something was wrong but i just told him i was worry about him and mum. He doesn't need to worry about his little sister, it a hard lesson but you are really on your own and i don't need anyone anymore, I will go through this on my own and i will get through it on my own. I did this for years on my own and now i just do again and not ask for anyone help anymore. My daughter won't talk to me and I don't know what going on and the other is I need you but she always needs me. Stacey is worry about me, when I got home she asked what was wrong and i just nothing I'm ok. well back to work on Monday for my 9 hours yay for me. Well that's it for now having a few drink to see if it will help me sleep.

Cheers Deb

Going back in time

I was going through some old cd, looking for something and I came across these one with old photos. So here are one of my mum and dad and my nanna. This the last photos of my Dad and my Nanna, these were taken just before my Nanna pass away. The other two of my dad was when he was young and with my Mum before we came along.

Well it came

Well things do come in three's and it did. Now I have to be stronger than I ever before, for all my family. I can't fall apart not now, who going help them get through this, well me. I would like to know WHO going to help me get through this, just me being the good o Deb. The strong one that never fall apart. Yep that's me and still has to be. I'm worry and a little bit scared but I can't be, Just got to be tough Deb. I wish I could have someone to take the strong part for me and so I don't have to, just for a little while.

Cheers Deb

P!nk - F**kin' Perfect

Wow I watch this new video of Pink, gee that hits home. They say a song can make show your feelings and this one did. It bought back a lot of bad memories that you like to forget and then you think well i have seen this in my own children. Be bully to the point of hurting themselves. It still a fact and this still happening in our world still. I was that girl once and then oneday I just fought back and not let anyone act like to me again. I had to fight all my life to be free of bulling and always said don't my children to have to fight. Even as a adult you are still bully.

Cheers Deb

You broke your promise

When I was a kid you promise to never leave and protect me all my life. One day you did leave me, I know you didn't have a choice and leave me.I am doing better but I need you still here to help me through all this. I know you can't be with your body or soul but I need to feel your spirit and I don't. I don't feel yours and Nanna, so what have I done not to have you here. Are you with mum and David, please be there but be with me to. If you can't maybe Nana can, its so hard to get up in the morning and so hard sometimes to get through the day. I remember the day they told us you be fine, once you have this operation, but you weren't fine. I just miss you both so much and even more now and everyday you are always on my mind. Even know we are all going through this, I feel I'm on my own and no-one is there to help me. Mum won't lets are in to help her with her pain and its like losing you all over again when she lost Goldie to cancer. I know people are worse off than us, they still here but this is my pain and I have a right to feel like this. Maybe if i go through this alone then this will make me stronger and sometimes I need to be stronger because it will be the only way for me to survive.



I love You My Dad and Nanna and I miss you both so much. Help us through this and please let me know you are here because I feel so alone and I don't want to be alone.

Cheers Deb

Am I

Am I really losing the plot or just don't have patience anymore, I am starting to wonder. Well i was going up to see mum but nope she said, doesn't wants us up there. She said she will come down in 2 weeks and really that's bad timing me back work and all my sisters at work. she would have be better this week but nope, stubborn bloody women. Why can't i forgive and forget, well its not in my nature but it will destroy a very good thing if i don't. I try so hard to hide it but i think someone knows what I'm thinking and is getting jack of it because I know I'm getting jack of me to. Well off to see black swan sometime tomorrow. Stacey play her first game for this year in netball and they kill them and they 2nd on the ladder.
Well that's it for now I can't really bother here and I think just go and write more in my diary.

Cheers Deb

Vanessa Amorosi - Shine (Lyrics)

A very close friend of mine said I should listen to this and now I understand what she means.

Really had enough

Everyday I go to the gym, at the moment its really hard to get up and go. I'm trying to every morning. Then I come home and sit all on my own and some days I just want someone to just hang with. I'm so sick of crying everyday this is all I do. I might not be the best company, but just wish someone would say hey just you and I go out. It doesn't matter where. Yeah I had people asked but they are  not who I need or want. So I decide well that the case I will be by myself and I don't need anyone, anymore. Spoke to my mum this morning, maybe knowing my brother David needs us, maybe she might not give up. I have been talking to my dad and my nanna so much over last few days, I hurt so much and no one here to help. I'm trying to stop myself from just giving up...

My big brother

Here a pic of my brother David. I was amazed how much he looks like my dad and me. Well me without the mo lol. God I miss him so much, he has be mine shining knight all my life he was there to protect me and just love me. Now he needs me and I can't help him, I have been looking at flights to Darwin to be with him and my god they are not cheap. Michael said if you need to go we will find the money, yeah don't worry I find it. He fighting up there while we are fighting for him down here and my family is fighting over everything at the moment and I'm just getting sick and tired of it. I know we have to make the right decision and we all have to do it but I wish David could be here, because he always make us feel like a family. I miss him and I love you my knight.

Cheers Deb

feeling

Yeah having had a lot of different feeling lately and waiting to hear what happening is easy either. Last nite i played cricket and once again we lost and once again we didn't have enough players. I'm trying get Stacey to play the last few games with me, so we just have a full team.  Well all my rock throwing on Friday nite at the beach paid off, my bowling wasn't to bad and my throwing back to the bowler and wicketkeeper was great and improved so much. My captains had me bowl first and a opener I just laugh at them but they were serious and I ended up bowling 3. They weren't to bad either, but I had so much going on it was nice not to think about anything. Sometime i wish i had someone to talk to but had the time to listen, i feel so alone at the moment and maybe it my fault because it me and i really don't want to talk. Sometimes it just nice to have someone just ask what going on but as i said it the way I am. Well that's it for now, have some phone calls to make and see what happening in my family.

Cheers Deb

Holidays

 Just got back from my week away with Stacey and Sharon and her family, it was a very hard and confusing week with whats going in my family. I walk hell of a lot and not once a day it end up two to three times and it was a lot by myself. I need to think on my own and I did come back with  a nice tan and some scars, yeah my knuckles got a bit hurt while I was away, i fell on a rock and cut my knuckles open. Next time I will have to watch what I do and where I put my feet. Yesterday my second eldest daughter Lisa turn 21, she had a party with some of her close friends and family. It was a fun nite for her and I had to keep a lot of stuff from her until today when I finally told her about  whats going on. I didn't want to wreck her birthday so we held off with everything.  Well 2011 isn't going to be a good year at all, it just how 2010 end, 2011 has started. In my family it hasn't started very well and it not going to end very happy either. We had bad news after bad news. It goes with the saying all things come in three, so I'm waiting for the third one now but i think it already has happen, because things are different now with what had happen. Just encase it wasn't, I'm waiting for it.

2010 gone and 2011 here

Welcome to the 2011 and goodbye 2010. What is going on with us we don't see to be happy together anymore, are you bored of me. I'm trying to fix it between us but what ever I do isn't working. I'm hoping for a better 2011 but it hasn't start off to well. I hope we can work it out because I can't seem to get things right and have open my heart and I'm not ready to close it yet. Well off away in a week, maybe this will help us or it will just make us grow further apart. we will have to wait and see, I hope it doesn't. One month and back at work and I'm am looking at giving uni one more go and see if I can do it. I wish I can talk to you about it but sometimes you just don't want to listen anything I want to say. I have heaps to say and want to say but as unusual foot and mouth. Well happy new year everyone and I hope it will be great for us all and we all get what we want.

Cheers Deb