Sometimes I wonder why, is there something wrong with me or just not good enough to do things with me. I feel like just not good enough for you any more, and the pushing away is getting really hard to take. Im hanging on by a thread and it getting harder to hold on to but I am and I hope it doesn't break. that would be a very sad day if it does.
Cheers Deb
Thursday, May 19, 2011
Sunday, May 15, 2011
Life
Life can be easy and then it can be hard. People can come in your life and change it for the better or for the worst. People can leave your life and leave a very strong image in your heart but they can also leave a very bad image in your heart. Well over last few weeks I have been trying to think who has come in my life and left me wanting more and then I was thinking who come in my life and made me feel like hell and don't want them back again. Trying to weed out the people I don't want in my life again, well don't want them too hurt me any more.
The biggest and only one that had a real impact on my life is my nanna and she left me wanting more and left me hurting the most because we cant talk any more. She the only one that could hold me and make me feel things will be alright and I felt safe with her because no one could hurt me. Even know it was one place where I did get hurt but she didn't know and I couldn't tell her. Right up to her death I didn't tell her but it was the biggest relief that he die in a car crash and I always thought it was justice. Then her and I got back where we were. Now I go and sit at her grave and just talk and I feel sometimes she is hugging me like she use to. People think it strange I do this but it me and sometimes I don't care what people think. It been 15 years since you left me and I still cry and this what I'm doing now, I just think about you and I miss you so much and no one has ever filled your space in my heart and I have tried to get it filled but they just couldn't. I wish people could understand me and know me the way you did, maybe I don't let people see me this way or they just don't take the time to know me. A lot of the time I feel alone in this world and I don't know how not to feel this way, in my home and in my work and in my life. You would know what to say to me right now and you hugging me would make things better. I just wished that I could feel the you made me feel and I don't like feeling like no one cares for me, all I want is some understanding and thinking how I feel for a change and stop blaming me for things, that are not always my fault. Maybe I need them to look at the bigger picture and see what is happening closer to home and stop blaming me for it but that's never going to happen it much easier to blame me and than realise it not always me.
Well that it for me.
Cheers Deb.
The biggest and only one that had a real impact on my life is my nanna and she left me wanting more and left me hurting the most because we cant talk any more. She the only one that could hold me and make me feel things will be alright and I felt safe with her because no one could hurt me. Even know it was one place where I did get hurt but she didn't know and I couldn't tell her. Right up to her death I didn't tell her but it was the biggest relief that he die in a car crash and I always thought it was justice. Then her and I got back where we were. Now I go and sit at her grave and just talk and I feel sometimes she is hugging me like she use to. People think it strange I do this but it me and sometimes I don't care what people think. It been 15 years since you left me and I still cry and this what I'm doing now, I just think about you and I miss you so much and no one has ever filled your space in my heart and I have tried to get it filled but they just couldn't. I wish people could understand me and know me the way you did, maybe I don't let people see me this way or they just don't take the time to know me. A lot of the time I feel alone in this world and I don't know how not to feel this way, in my home and in my work and in my life. You would know what to say to me right now and you hugging me would make things better. I just wished that I could feel the you made me feel and I don't like feeling like no one cares for me, all I want is some understanding and thinking how I feel for a change and stop blaming me for things, that are not always my fault. Maybe I need them to look at the bigger picture and see what is happening closer to home and stop blaming me for it but that's never going to happen it much easier to blame me and than realise it not always me.
Well that it for me.
Cheers Deb.
Thursday, May 5, 2011
May the 5th
Today is the anniversary of My Dad death, it really hasn't been a easy day and I have kept myself busy. The funny thing is I didn't show how upset i was today and how I felt either. It has been 13 years today and it was a hard day for me. I really miss him so much and I always remember what he looks likes. It a bit sad my granddaughter never got to meet him. My pofile pic has change and will stay until mothers day, out respect for my Dad and Mum. Well May the 5Th is the day I lost my Dad. It has been 13 years, day doesn't go past that I don't think of you. Today the tears will be there and my heart is breaking all over again. I miss you so much Dad and I love you more everyday. I wish you were still here but you couldn't fight anymore. RIP DAD xxxxx
Cheers Deb
Tuesday, May 3, 2011
Me only
Yep I'm going to start thinking of me only. Everyone around me can all go to hell I don't need or want anyone in my life again. It hurts way to much and I'm sick of being knock around all the time. I'm sick of being pushed away and told no, one to many no. Mother days this week and I really don't care much about. On Thursday is my dad anniversary, it been 13 years and I'm finding it really hard this week. Old mate from my past knows what it like to lose a dad and she was talking to me last night. She knows how much i hate mothers day. I LOVE YOU DAD, I REALLY MISS YOU THIS TIME OF YEAR.
Cheers Deb
Cheers Deb
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