I didn't know

I was glad to know but I was hurt as well. I didn't know and now Im going have to watch what I do even closer, than before. Hey that's life.

life

I'm looking forward going back to work, beats sitting here doing nothing, well I sleep half the day. I need to fined something to do during holidays, it very lonely on your own. I think that when the depression gets worst with nothing to keep your mind off things. last week I was flat out this week I cant be bother but wish I did. Yeah i know I could see my daughter but it doesn't help when she makes me feel more depress. Does that make me a bad mum???

all about me

The last two day haven't been easy for me. Yesterday I didn't want to get up at all. Depression is a illness and can be very disconnected from the world and everyone in it. No one would understand what you go through because it to hard to explain. This is me at the moment don't want anyone in my life again and it very hard but Im trying to get through the days. The tears are coming and going but its the not getting up out of bed this what depression is. write more later. It so easy just say goodbye to this life and hope my next life will be better. I have read so much on this and I just think everyone thinks take some tablet and everything be alright, well it not. I don't blame my behaviour on my depression and don't think anyone should. Yeah I have depression but who i am and I trying to get help for it. Someday I wish I could just end it and then at least it will be over for everyone and no one needs to worry about me any more. Well thats it for now I have to go and write more in my diary..

Today

Today I felt like i need to run away and not come back. Today I need to feel pain and I don't understand why. I just don't understand my feelings at all. I need to know and I really need to know now.

My Nanna

It her birthday tomorrow she would have been over 100. So out of respect I will be having this on for a week. You were such a wonderful person and one of my favourite. You never judge me and you help me grow and god how much I miss you and love you. My heart is always in pain and missing you, I miss the talks we had and how I could tell you anything. I miss that so much because it was so hard to find that special person where I could talk to but I did and she became my best friend. Sometime my life is hard and I do wish you were here. You would know what to say to me and keep me calm and just love me for who I am and that what I miss most your love and understanding of me, where no one takes the time to understand me. I should have listen to you about you know who but I didn't, I should have done what you said when you asked me that question 29 years ago. Im glad you got to meet all my children, it was just a shame Stacey never got to know you like I did, you would have loved her as much as you loved my other three and me. I wished you could have meet my best friend you would have love her to. I know one day I will see you again and sometime I looking forward that day when I can see you face again. I don't know when that will be but is all I say there.

I wish I could just hug you and kiss you one last time. Happy Birthday Nanna. Always in my heart. Love your wonderful Granddaughter Deb xxxxx