On a good note

Jess My daughter who is getting married in Nov has made some her flowers I would like to share.

Stacey

I feel very sorry for Stacey, because of my mistake she cant even talk to her friend. Stacey keeps saying its ok but it not ok. I was a idiot for what I did at the weekend, there was no excuse for my action. When I was talking about to my councillor and what lead to it, if only they didn't stop and just walk past I said I wouldn't have did what I did. They just said hey Deb I think it was meant to happen, oh great, until then Stacey could ring her friend now she cant. So now we are talking through all this but all this wasn't my fault, it was both of us, I just finished it badly. It just feels like they blame me for all of it but my councillor said it wasn't and I shouldn't take all the blame, so this what I need to do. Forgive myself, when we were talking all the stuff from when I was a kid to now. I told them I wasn't like this 2 years ago, so now we are looking at what started this and I have a feeling. So that's the next session. Cheers Deb

Yes today

Lisa has meet a girl at her tafe course she went over to her place. This girl mother came up to her. Your mum has trust issue and something horrible in her pass, she hadn't got over it. I can help her if she ready. So I went over there and just see what's this about. She knows I'm not a real believer anymore because of pass experience. So she start off with a young girl around you. I don't know anyone, then she said they die in a Horrible car crash, shot I was amazed. Then she keep going on about things, wow she was spot on. Then she said their a woman here and she going between two of you, huh she was someone you know but a special person to someone else. I'm ok. Then she explain her to me talk yeah was to me, love everyone and alway have a good joke with. She told leaves things now and things will work out. Give time but could be awhile but will work out one day. So I'm leaving it and trying toget help and heal myself. So I'm sorry to her and it's going heal me and if it happens it does, if it doesn't it doesn't. Today I woke up better with having a bath with all the stuff I had in. I am hanging with my old friends Friday nite and the week after I will go to one of the teachers 40 birthday party. Until I am heal I'm not good for anyone. Cheers Deb

Family

At the moment seeing my kids hurt because they are seeing me hurting and not knowing what's going to happen. I wished People would not just consider their life but what happens in the other person life and what happens with their kids. Today at the lunch breaks I sat by myself. I couldn't handle anyone and I just want to be alone. Its my way of coping and the need to have space. The tears are here and not going away. I just don't understand why and why again to me. Wasn't the first time hard enough but the second time it even harder. Im getting support from people I didn't know I would and its nice to know. Its even better knowing Stacey has lots of support at school from Aaron and his family. Well that's it for now. Cheers Deb

All about me

Yes as from now is all going to be about me and my journey to self healing me. Yes I been on the phone most of the day talking to my councillor, I did something so stupid and I have lost someone that means a lot to me, like we were sisters. I was in a dark place if I don't self heal me I will never be a good person and I scare myself after I dropping Connor off. This not going to be a easy journey but I need to heal not just the soul but also my body and mind. I need to realise I can be love for who I am not just because what I am. I need to love me first and I don't. I hate myself for all the things that have gone wrong in my life and I hate me for all the hurt I cause. I need to forgive myself because it wasn't my fault but at the moment I can't. I so much wanted to say this to someone but no I need to give them space and I need to heal me for all the hurt in my life. I going to have my ups and downs but I will get better. Cheers Deb