Mum

Tomorrow is going to be a very hard day for me, my mum pass away a year tomorrow. Today was hard for me, I broke down and cried. I haven't really grieve for my mum but I am finding this hard. Everything comes back that happen around that time. Two more days and we are on holidays. Yay.

Stacey is 18

Stacey turn 18 last week and I have her a big party. With all the people she calls family. There was my close friends from work and her close friends and our family and my family and our cricket mates. It was a great night we hire a footy club for the night and we hire a photo booth to take funny pics. She had a ball and did everyone. Stacey got a new tattoo this week. Of her and my fingerprint and m n m on there. I'm very lucky to have a very sensible daughter. She wouldnt drink at parties without asking me first and not a lot until she was 18. Not like some they sleep at other people house and then get so drunk that they throw up before 9. I'm just so lucky to have a good relationship with my daughter that she tells me everything. Well that's it for now.

What a week

This week my daughter stacey graduate from high school. Today she turn 18, now she off with her friends in town. Her first time in a club, wow she has grown in to a beautiful mature woman. This year she grown up and it was nice to see her happy. She having a 18 party and she has design her self a canvas board with tree, for everyone thumb print and they can write something. I'm so proud of her and how she has dealt with thing this year. Her music teacher came up and said don't worry she has really done well. When her results come in she be surprised, it was nice to know. Well more later.

Stacey

On Wednesday this week stacey can finally so good bye to her high school, she graduate this week. I can't wait to see her finished and more on. I know she has said the same thing but she is going to miss to her favourite teachers. They have been a god sense to her and keeping her in year 12. One has been her mentor and the other was her art teacher. We will still see them because they have a house at the same place as my mum and dads. On Friday she is turning 18 and then we have a big party for her. I decide to have this because as a family we have been to hell and back over the last year. She needs this to have her very close friends that have support her, when she was finding life hard and couldn't cope and family because they have been here for her and Jess. My work mates, all of them have support me and stacey. I'm have been very lucky to have some close friends, that have been there for me this year. Well we have been there for each other. It's been a very stressful couple weeks just make sure stacey finish all her work, me getting more hours. Well that's it for now.

Stacey

On Thursday I went to work and the I get a message from stacey. Hey much come now I'm on soon, went to my friend and the one I work with, I'm out of here. Tell stacey good luck from me, give her hugs to. So off I went as you can read, stacey is about to complete year 12. That day it was her saca exam for music and she sing. Wow she was amazing, there is one song she sing and it's all about her. It's called warrior, she has so much emotion in this song because of what she been through. I spoke to the teacher after and he said don't worry she has pass. Stacey has been worry about not passing year 12 because of of the emotion roller coaster she been on, over the last year. With my mum passing away and the police case all the pressure of year 12. Her last art piece was about her and others that struggle with depression. The final was her hold on to a shield with her boyfriend in one corner, me in another corner, her nanna in another corner and of course her music. With all these demons around her, it was a very powerful piece to see and understand what she going through. IM SO PROUD OF HER. At her birthday party she has all the friends and family and my work mates that have supported her this year. LOVE Ya BABY BEAR.

Past and future of my life.

Even though my life has become so much better over the year, you can never really so goodbye to a very good friendship that I had. Yeas I have made new friends and some have become close friendship. You will always be a part me and you bought me out to I am now. Even with hurt that came after, they say people come in your life to teach you something, you taught me to believe things can change. I'm glad we both have new friendships that are healthy for us, I'm glad you life is what you want now. Have never had a bad word to say about you and never will. We did have our fun times and our bad times but I do remember the fun ones more. I love the I am now, yeah I have my days but I don't have to talk about it, this how friends are. Maybe just maybe one day we can just say hi to each other, but I can see that's not going happen. I don't hate or anger over how you feel. I'm happy inside now and love me again, which hasn't happen since I was a kid. I have let a lot of things go, I had to forgive me and everyone who was a part my life for all the hurt and pain I have suffer in my childhood, teenagers years and adulthood years. Now I have found a new way to life and how I really want to enjoy it. It has taken a lot of support from my children but they see that I'm happy and love who I am now. Stacey has been the most of the support she has seen the worse side of me and be there thick and thin. Now I'm here for her, she has so much going on in her life, she gas struggle this year, with her own friendship gone but she said that friendship was gone long time ago. Which is sad but she has said she has that caring factor, which is good I have always taught her never hate someone. Well school nearly over for her and it has been very hard for her, with all the stuff going on, with police and statement that had taken a year. To see her and her sister come out every time crying. Well now we are waiting for when we have to go to court and give evidence. Let my girls gave their time in court and face it and tell it their feelings. Maybe they can close that chapter of their life finally. The memories will still be there, it never leaves you but you can have control of your life back. So please stop hating me and stacey, we are happy for you that you found what you really need now. Will try to go and get ready to go out with me mates, time to get on with my life. Catch all on the other side of life.

Me

Well nice have great news for a change,one of my friends from work and I have been going to the gym together. It's great to have someone who wants workout hard and have fun as well. In a few weeks we are getting personal trainer as well. We push each other to do our best, I'm really enjoying it and having fun. Can't wait for the weekend, my friends from work and I heading to town again for some fun and lots of dancing. My life is getting better everyday. Mum you were right, things will get better, yes you were right on saying moving away from the problem, you see things so different. I'm lucky to meet people who really like me and my company. We'll not long to stacey 18th, what a big night that's going to be. Then she is coming out with my mates from school too.

Holidays over

Back to work this week, holidays had there ups and downs but it was good. Yeah my team didn't win the grande final but that's ok. The after party was awesome. I have come a long way since last year, I have found new friendships and healthily ones too, no one dominate me anymore. As Rachael said it was healthily for me. We were talking today how far I have come, I said yes with your help, she said I guide you only. You are one person that you know what you need and you do it. You have made new friends and you said you wouldn't let anyone in but you did. You are out there enjoying your life and six months ago you didn't think you could. You making plans with friends to do things not just sit at home. Your not needing anyone or being dominate by any one. You are happy and your health is better, you are looking great and you can see it. You know when need time for you and you are taking it, not like before. So I don't see her every two weeks it's every month.

What a weekend

First up Friday I headed out with couple friends from school. What fun night that was. Sat night we all headed out to dinner we had Indian. Yum is all I can say, the place was called Bollywood. Then we went across the road for more drinks. Then we went to the Karako bar. After all that it end up with three off us and we head to woolshed. Dancing and drinking and having so much fun. My friends and I have so much fun out together, just enjoying each other friendship, is all we want. Sunday rooster won and now we are in the grand final. Oh yeah, next Sunday woohoo can't wait. Then my friends are coming back to the club with me to have a few drinks and fun. I'm enjoying my life so much more now, you can't take life for grant and now I can have fun, with my kids saying go for it. I'm just so happy now, I been like this for years and now I really understand what true friendship means.

Friday

Went out tonight with one of my friends from work. We went to the to town at the casino, then went out to dinner. We both going tomorrow night and can't wait. Dinner then we are heading out to karaoke, which is going to be funny as.

Holidays

From tomorrow we are on holidays can't wait. Looking forward to the weekend, couple of the girls from work and I are going out dancing and singing in town. We all can't wait, I have never had some much with this lot. Every couple weeks we plan a night out. This week out to dinner first, I think we are going Italian, then off to dancing at one of the night clubs. We all have a buzz, I think it was a great thing to start working with this lot, they know how to enjoy life. Watch Stacey sing today and I wasn't going let anyone stop me, the school understood why it's so important for her at the moment. I'm lucky they are very supported of her. She made me cried with one of her song, because it was about her and what she is going through. She is so lucky to have a great group of friends that there for her, some of which knows what have happen to and didn't turn their backs on her.

Not long

It's been a very hard and long week for my family. Wednesday is the day, when our world will be turn up side down.

My life is changing.

Sat I took my grand children to the show with Lisa and stacey. They loved it but I don't know if I go again wih them. I don't know how I did it with four lol. Sunday went to watch footy, ready for the finals. Monday we had school closure day. Put my car in for it 6 month service and off to ttp to my work mate and shopping and we had lunch. Stacey loved her being there, they look at clothes and dresses. When we finished lunch she took me back to my car.

Weekend

Yay the weekend is here and we are heading to town tomorrow night. We are looking forward to this all week. Today where I work we had a couple of disco for the kids. Big lunch for primary and little lunch for the junior. I was DJ and did they have fun dancing with me and singing on the mic. Even the older boys and girls I work with had a blast. It was so nice to see them all laughing and smiling. Well catch ya later.

Weekend

Can't wait for the weekend, off to the casino with couple work friends. If we win we are going the next night or afternoon for lunch. It's going fun couple days. Wish it would hurry up, it been a very hard couple days and I have another feeling it not going to get any better.

It's over

Finally over, thanks to my mum and dad and nan. You have help us and we can't say thank you but I know you already know. I'm hoping one day I could do the same for my lot.

One year

It's been one year now, someone walk out of life. It's be a hard lesson to learn but I have learnt and move on. Meet wonderful people and have made a friend that's know it all. I'm glad I had those 6 years and I don't regret some of them at all. You know who true in your life and you work out who use you to. It's funny now that they still can't move on when they see me or my family, we giggle. Stacey was told by her friends what someone said about her and she giggle because she couldn't careless. I'm off to training this week for my work, the training is to help with maths. My favourite subject. I work with a wonderful group and supported we are to each other. Well not long for stacey and she finished her year12. She hope to get into uni but if she doesn't she going to tafe. Her team made the grand final in netball. Well that's it for now.

Holidays

Planning my next holiday in melbourne, with couple of my work mates. After we went to the port market and the fruit veg, we were talking about the dfo and how great they are. So we have decide we are going to drive over and go shopping and have a look around melbourne. Plus Im planning a sydney one to for christmas holidays. First I have Stacey 18th birthday to plan for and get the invite out soon. The only way in is by invite and they have to bring it, otherwise they wont let you in. Most of my work mates will be coming because they all know her so well. Not many from school only her very close friends are invite. Well thats it for now.

Stacey

Stacey is not a very well girl at the moment. She keep passing out at netball and with the gym. So we had her sugar test and then she had a ecg and now she is having a scan on her heart. This year is just getting better and better but her and I keeping a positive look. Well we know that her insluin level is way to high, so she on a low carb now. Work is really going well at the moment and having a good friend is been a help. Even though I dont talk a lot about anything, it doesnt matter they are just there. Alway making sure im ok and which is nice to know. we are going shopping on sunday and just hanging out together. Well thats it for now.

me

Yes I have a lot of wonderful memories of my life and I wish I told some people that they meant a lot to me and how much I love them.

What a weekend

Just what the title say. Great way to end the holidays, friday night hanging out with my friend and stacey. We decide to go and see the new movie, conjurying its a bloody great movie and I have found someone else to come and watch these movie with me. It was so funny stacey shit scared on oneside of me and my friend on the other and I just laugh. I would tell anyone that wants to see it do it, its the best movie i have seen for awhile. Then last night one mates from work had a fifty birthday party for her hubby, so my friend and I went to that. Stacey and nathan took us and picks us up later. It was amazing night and so much fun. I havent had so much fun and laugh for a long time and really nice to have some great friends. The friendship i have with my mate from school is great, we just go out when we can or hamg at their house and I dont have to watch what say or scared to say anything wrong. We even making plans to go to the casino. Well back to work tomorrow and looking forward catching up with everyone.

holidays

What a holiday, training and doctors app. So over them, more before I go back to school, Family history. Yesterday Stacey and I decide to go to the beach for a walk to try and destress. Now it time for my kids to go though all this to.

Holidays

Holidays are here and have started wonderful. The last week of school I had to work in the library what a buzz it was and so much fun. Then one of my work mate ask if I want to come over the weekend for a drinks, pizza and movies. It was so bloody great and funny, we didnt drink much but did we laugh and we took piss out of each other. Yesterday they came to lisa party with me. We have a understand I dont need a best friend and they said the same. Just having their friendship is enough and im enjoying it and having the fun with all of work mates its just nice. Well tomorrow I have training on youth mental health first aid, it going to be interesting and full on. Then I can finally start holidays.

Stacey Formal

Stacey Formal is on tonight, she is so beautiful and Lisa did great job with her hair and makeup. He are some picture and funny ones of her and her boyfriend Nathan.

Stacey

I was so proud of Stacey tonight she had her performance night for school. She was brilliant. It was so nice to have my family around me and Stacey loved having her family there. Connor was so funny, he was dancing all night and he loved watching it. When Stacey went on he was yelling Stacey, Stacey.

Peace

This what Im doing all the time, im retraining my mind. Its working thanks to a very special person. THANKS RACHAEL <3>

Mum

Having a missing you day mum, yesterday wasnt a crash off day at work and all I want was to talk to you and get hugs. It was nice to hug Stacey. I have a great team of people I work with. I had to go for a walk and they understood and we all knew it wasnt easy. Im just lucky. Im always thinking of you but you visit me in my dreams and leave message.

Life

Love the long weekend and i was so nice to sleep in and just relax and yesterday we had student free day. Day of training and having fun, we always have fun as a staff. Well they say past teach you lesson and how it helps with your future. Well the past has taught me something and its a good thing. I have a great person that has come in to my life and know everything about my last friendship and what happen and how it break down, They know I dont trust to much or tell things but I have learnt that I can still open up and enjoy a new friendship. Im so grateful for the last friendship because it has shown me so much and i havent gone in to hidden at all. They come up and ask if Im ok and or am I telling them bullshit, that im fine. lol This is the first time im enjoying it and dont need to worry about anyone else. The funny thing is my stars say the friendships I make now will be for life. I have come to the conclude that I dont need expenise stuff, name brands and any thing else, I have the love of my family and great work mates and wonderful new friends. I dont care anymore how they feel and how they made me feel not anymore and Im so happy they have a wonderful and full life now and new friends. We both move on and i can enjoy me now. I have come along way from who I was over the last two years and I have been to hell and back and Im finally me the person that disappear two years ago, as my doctor has said your back. So you love or leave me I dont care, if you dont like who I am and dont like the way I am, dont come into my life this my new motto.

Family

My nephew is getting married this month in England, He getting married in a castle with family and close friends. We all decide that we will send him a message and photos of us all. Here is my family photo that is going to him, no the messaga has be left of because it personal for him and his partner only......

15 mins

As the title says 15 mins of fame. Yesterday we had cheap petrol and channel 7 was down there. They asked if I would be interview so I did. Lisa was a but embarrassed about. Hey who car was I in hers, she has eyes lashes on the front hmm. So I will share the video later. Well I filled my car up for 45 dollars, I normal put 50 in a week and that only gives me just over half. Well that's it for now.

Birthday

I thought better get this in before it strikes 12. Today was my birthday and I was doing pretty well, that no one knew it was. I would normally finish work at 2 on Friday but a SSO was away and we can't leave a student on there own without a SSO, so I was the one that had lunch duty and class duty with them. So to the story, lisa and Connor decide it would be nice to visit mum and nanna at work for her birthday. So my boss comes in class and said get who's birthday it is today and got the class to sing to me. Lisa bought beautiful flowers to me and then Connor wouldn't let me go. It was a beautiful surprise. Then one of the teachers I work came up and gave me a big hug. You kept that quiet, yep I did. So the 6/7 started singing to me, while I was outside trying to keep this student calm. Love my day. So I took myself out Tuesday to Jesus Christ superstar as my gift to me. The only real gift I would have loved today, would have been a kiss and a hug from my mum. It's coming up to 6 months now and the grief and the pain is still with me but lucky I have great support from my work mates. As they say this is a family here. All I know they don't want me to leave there, so it's nice to know. Especially one if the teachers I work with.

Jesus Christ superstar

What a night last night was. I took stacey to this show. Wow is all I could say. Mel C and Jon Stevens, Tim minchin. So much in love with Tim his singing and he's not bad on the eye. Stacey and I was singing all the way to the car and in the car. People you see, last night one if the staff where I worked and two others that work thee for a few years ago. Then I pick up my mate from school off the road. Yeah she was there to and then she wa walking with her friends later. So I pick them up. It wa a great night to be away from life. Well I got to get back to work now, lunch is over and I have duty 2nd lunch. Great

Kids

I was waiting for Stacey finish school and where I was waiting they have traffic lights. A lot o student think they wont get hit, there has been nearly two hit why I was watching but the funny thing is they don't care about anyone but them self, not thinking how the driver would feel if they would be hit and the families. Watching the same ones doing every day its sad because they don't care and think it wont happening to them. One was nearly hit by a student of the school that drives, can you imagined how they would feel knowing they hurt or even kill.

Stacey New tattoo

This is Stacey new tattoo, its all about her and how she is a warrior. Yes with everything she has or is about to go through she just needs to look at her wrist and know she is strong and a warrior.

Stacey

Stacey had her exam in singing today and the power goes out when she was singing, she was a trooper and keep on going without a mic. Jake went to watch for and tape it for me and sent it so my mates at work and the kids could see it. Then they stop and stacey had to sing later when the power came back on. I was so proud of Jake he went back to support stacey for me and he made her feel I was there. I'm looking forward to her performance night my whole family is going and couple of my works mate might end up going too. The so support of her and care for her so much. Well thats it for tonight Im pretty tired and tomorrow have a flat out day.

It was a nice visit

It was so nice to be ask to do the Karrendi disco again. The welcome I got from the staff and the kids. Gee I elt short to some of the kids now, last year I was taller than them and now Im shorter than some. What a great night at karrendi catching up with some old face and meeting some new ones. Thanks to the kids and staff to make me feel home again and welcome back. Shit so bloody tired though. It was so nice dancing with all the old kids and how grow they all are and how short I felt. lol Still nice to visit but I love working at the south. I would do again in flash these kids are so wonderful and seeing the boys dancing more than the girls. Big thanks to Karrendi for making me welcome.

Life is looking up

Yeah as the title said life is looking up. Getting on so well with my work mates and the fun we have stirring each other. We all doing a jigsaw together, every lunch break we sit and do or we sit together at the table. Rachael is so helping me and we i meet up with her yesterday , she said hey Deb I thought about you on mothers day and how i would be, it so nice to have someone like that. She has giving me new out look on life and Im enjoying it. In the holidays heading back to tailem town with couple of my work mates we are going ghost hunting and then we are looking at a over night one. Yes I love my life with getting rid o all the negative out o my lie and knowing how to do it, yes I have been show but having the best support has help. I have forgiving people that were in my life and or me to move on, this one thing I have to learn and let it go. Rachael has taught me this which has been fantastic. I feel like I was 2 years ago and the person thats happy and nothing gets them down. Dont get me I still have my days but a lot less that I did. Yeah I still grieving for my mum and yes Im about to lose my brother. Yes my kids are going through there own stuff. well thats it for now. Got to get tea finished Stacey has singing lesson tonight and then netball and its nice to see a smile on her face......

New apps

My kids and I have found a new app, everyday I get to see my grandkids and if connor has doing new stuff. After another tough week, it has been a joy having this app. I have so much support and friendship and so has my kids. Stacey has found support from her friends now some know what she going through, it was a surprise but so nice to see. It takes a lot of my mind that I know she going to be all right at school. The last two weeks have been very hard for her, she nearly quit school, the break up with her boyfriend and the other stuff. This week she is singing for her exam and I know she going to be fine and she has come a long way with her singing and how proud I am. Im really am so proud of her she was thinking of someone else feeling last week and made me a bad person but I do understand why she did, when i was talking about it to my mate she said wow that hard to teach someone you are so lucky to have a daughter that thinks of other and not just herself. So we have decide its a new day and negative things are gone. I have show how to deal with the negative stuff and how to get rid of it out my mind and body................

Bullying

Wow couldn't believe what I heard and saw today the worst bullying against a teenager by a adult and yes my daughter was the teenager. So on advice we a looking into legal aid.

in the arms of an angel

I wish i knew what you were telling  me in my dreams.

My heart will go on.

Mum and Dad. My heart will go on but its hard sometimes, especially now that I'm dreaming about you. Stacey singing this all the time for music.

It been a very hard week

Just what the title says.It been a very hard week, Monday was ok that night Lisa did Stacey and my face. I have a new student and not a easy one but hey its my job. Then Stacey isn't coping very well,I wish I could take her pain away but I can't. I wish she wasn't going through any of this, I said we could stop but no she need to follow through with it. This case and school she finding really hard,but we are here for her and so is her teachers. So it been a very hard week. I keep telling her we love you and you do have others around you too.

Thankyou

Thankyou to someone that has made feel that i can and am good at my job. I have the trust of my co-workers to show how good I am with my skill. I have been comment on and how calm I am working with different people. Its nice to know that i have been asked to work with these. Last week I went to see Stacey sing at school, it was amazing even Lisa said how good she was. Connor loved it he was singing and dancing with her. When she sing next we are all going to support her. It going to be a surprised for her to see, she and Jess need this and even Jake had become close, we have become a very close family now, the kids and I.

For the love of a daughter - Demi Lovato Lyrics

Stacey is feeling this song and it so sad to hear, this how she feels.

Paramore: Hate to see your heart break [OFFICIAL VIDEO]

My girls I do understand and it break my heart.

Paramore: last hope[OFFICIAL VIDEO]

Stacey is looking for hope in her music and in her art. This her..........

Paramore: grow up [OFFICIAL VIDEO]

Stacey loves this song and she has suddenly had to grow up. She has lost so much over last few years.

For my Mum

Today we all went and planted trees in the memory of my mum. My mum is buried up the yorke and its just hard to get up there sometimes. So here is what I wrote on her tree and me planting it. Stacey,Jake,Jess and Lisa all planted a tree in honour of their Nanna This my sisters and I with the trees we planted together. Mum I love you and I miss you so much and im trying to cope with everything but sometimes I just need a hug and to hear everything will be ok. Your grand kids need to that to with what we are going through. So happy mothers day mum. Your always in my heart and i know your watching us up there......... So here is a picture of the person I love with all my heart....

Wedding

Last night I went to a friends wedding from work. Wow it was beautiful and she was beautiful. I felt very lucky to be invite and I took stacey as my partner. I had so much fun dancing all night to the music of the 70s and 90s. Her mum and dad are lovely people. Well better get moving today my sisters and I are going to plant a tree in memory of our mum. This is the first mums day with out her and its not it easy either but I get through like I always do.

Me

Just wish people would get over it. I have and I just don't care anymore, I'm not the bad person here. I'm thinking looking into a lawyer. Stacey has to put up with the bullshit and her friends are hearing it all wrong. Stacey gave another statement tonight and while i waited I bought some boots for the wedding I'm going to at the weekend. My hours are going up and loving it.

Lisa

Well lisa is all moved in. The house she has moved into is only 2 years old and a beautiful area and not to far. Connor so much room to walk around. I'm so happy for her, she has grow up. Well but to work tomorrow which I'm looking forward to.

Stacey

Stacey and I had a really long talk today, to the point it made me so upset and cry for her. It's funny you never want your children's to feel pain from friendship. She is to the point that she won't trust anyone again. She told someone something that has happen to her and they turn their back on her. I thought it wa my fault in some ways because of what happen with my past friend. In a way it had something to do with it but it shouldn't have had. Then stacey said if they really wanted to know why she couldnt be friends and cared why they would have asked, you did mum, you asked why and what's going on when yours broke down. She just more than hurt, she just so piss off. It had to do with her birthday last year. Not even a happy birthday or present, that hurt her more why is all she keep saying to me. Now I understand her pain and why she said it was over. Especially when she bought them a 70 dollar present from England. She got what nothing. I'm hoping one day she will find a person that will cared about her and always respect her friendship. I could say more what she said but I won't because its really not worth it. I can say this any adult hurts her again not only have me to deal with but the police, i will make sure there life will be hell. Stacey is going to be 18 this year and she more into other people feelings and so grow up than others her age. She not a child anymore she a beautiful hearted spirit young woman. We have been planning her 18 birthday and she has been playing around with photo shop designing her invitation and she has great eye on her design. I'm so proud of her because she has so much going on around her and to deal with. No young person should deal with things she has too. Losing both her grandparents and what happen to her as a child and what's has happen to her now. She is a very special young lady.

Lisa and connor

Lisa and Connor move out this weekend in to her new house. Wow it's beautiful and they going to love it. It's a beautiful place and safe area. So it's going to be so different with out Connor. We have grow to love him and enjoy him. He makes your day, just gives that cheeky smile at you.

Both of us

no need to write anything.

Finally

Im finally getting well after two weeks of having the flu. Get a flu injection and get sick not great but one of the staff I work with she been the same. So the last week of work i was going to work sick, we hate taking days off, if don't need to. so this week I have been trying to get well. Next week it back to work for 4 hours because I couldn't get in this week. I couldn't even get to my old mate from school 50 Th because of this flu, I don't want to give it to them and i wouldn't be very good company anyway. My footy team is doing brilliant and my nephew is playing really well for central its a shame they not winning at all, well no I'm glad they are losing but for my nephew it must be hard. My niece is having a hard time with her pregnancy she back in hospital again, she been in and out. Poor thing they both growing at the same time. Well we are strong people. Stacey report card was great and Im very please with it, I'm looking forward to her art work to be finished. Both her and Jess want everything to be over and I do to,then we can get back to our lives. Jess was telling she going to be a police women in a year, wow my daughter is going to a cop and I couldn't be proud of her. My kids are spending more time together lately and my grand kids and I have really enjoy this, I can see what I was missing for so long, watching Giselle and Connor today made me smile and so love and don't want this to stop but one day it will. Well that's it for now.

50th birthday party and a wedding

Marian turns 50 this week and her partner is having a surprise party for her. Should be fun, if I was so bloody sick. Then Bek from work message me for my address, I'm there ok why. I forgot to give you my wedding invite on the last day of school. Oh wow thanks I didn't expect it because we only just working together. She said i have alway want to you to come. Cool so next month is her wedding, yeah must say we have become good friends even for someone that's my daughters age lol. Well they say you learn things from others, maybe what I have learnt is to let others in. We got on like house in fire the first time we work together and that what I have with both the teachers I work with. What have I done these holidays so far. Not much be sick as a dog for all of it. Stacey has too, but she went into school today, to get some catch up art work done. I like how the Highschool has these day for the year12s. Not long to go.

Holidays

Yay holidays are here. Time to rest up and enjoy me time and my grand kids. Walks along the beach are in order. Catch up with few mates. Go out with new mates. Getting along pretty well with my work mates, someday I get stir for being grumpy but it's all in good fun. Had a few drinks after work with gang I work with and heaps of laughs. Even the boss was giving me a hard time but it's all good fun. Went out and bought a pizza maker now we can have pizza sometimes. Last week of work was bloody full on and by the end of Friday could see we had enough. I work with s great team, they don't like taking days off even when they are sick. Well enough now just thought drop in and say hi. Since its been awhile. Not much to say well here any way.

what a great game of football

Tonight Stacey and I went to watch my nephew Josh play against rooster. He made in the league side for the pass two weeks. This is him last weeks game. Have new support for the roosters Giselle was calling out go you roosters and her dad kept saying what but she was to barrack for the roosters, well that's one grandchild on my side. lol Tomorrow Stacey off to Melbourne with her school, she has been home all week, very sick she couldn't get out of bed until yesterday. I had to take the day off on wed because she couldn't breathe. Its getting bigger and I'm so worry about it and it hurts but more test and hopefully we can find out what it is. Well thats it for now.

My family

Boy do love my kids. Jake he having a fight with in him, as you can see him and his dad don't have much of relationship and jake is showing he all grow and now fight back and protects me. Stacey having her own struggle and know one understand or know what. All week she been home very ill. Lucky to get out of bed. Me is trying to stay afloat but we are fighters and we are fighting for survival. Glad to be back watching footy and to see my red and white play tomorrow. Then stacey off to Melbourne god I hope she going to be fine. Yeah I'm worry about her and it keeps my mind off me. Got go back for more test to see why. Well list another 3 kg need to get back in the gym but so tired all the time it's not easy but this is a little suspected. Wow 4 months since mum has pass away and not a day go pass she not on my mind and how much I miss her. 8 months ago since I lost a good friend and sometimes I think about them too and yes miss a little but I know it's the best for both of us now. We have different lives now and we believe in different things and ways. I was thankful to them to come in my life because it taught me a great lesson. We got to go now.

Great week

Loving life at the moment, things might not be going right but hey I'm just living to the max now. Went out watch my nephew first game in the league for centrals. I don't barrick for them and for josh he did all right. I went and stir Luke he played with reserve tonight but hurt himself again. Wait until I see him Monday at work. We have our sport day next week, of course I'm in a colour I can't stand which is green. I was telling my work mates I hate green but I thought alright I wear a green ribbon that should do it. No! One of the teacher I work in class with went our bought me a bow tie and a hat and they are all green. She informed me that she making a tutu for me as well, oh my god. She a laugh, so looks like green it is. The kids and parents are asking if I'm going to do my reporter stuff again, I said I don't know but we have to wait and see. Well that's it for now time for sleep have big weekend need all my energy for it.

Family

Stacey won best and fairest today at the netball pres. We all be losing weight I have lost over 13 k and stacey 5 and jake well he still is. Tomorrow off to the doctor and get something check out. See how all the test are. Well got to go now.

Gran kids

Last night I had both my gran kids. Well Giselle and Connor love hanging out together. Yesterday before footy we went to a Easter hunt with them both and they love it. Connor wouldn't sleep last night he just played in his cot, I think he was so high on playing with Giselle sleep wasn't important. Giselle fell asleep watching a movie it was cute. Early hours Giselle scared the shit out if me she sleep walking and she was just standing there looking at me. Well it does run in the family. We back to them and then off to netball pres.

Jake

Jake protected me today and then I had him cry on my shoulder. My son is going through his own private hell. Tomorrow is pres day for netball. I have a secret but it's had to stay with me for now. Went watch roosters today it was bloody great to see us win.

2013

Last year didn't end well with my family and now in to 3 months of 2013 look like it going get even harder. Yeah you know the old saying when it rains, it pours. Well looks like another cancer scare, my family must be prone for it. Just have to wait for the result but just waiting is a killer. Chatting on the phone to one of the guys i work with. She right, Nothing ever happens to you that you can't handle!!! Some people get a lot more than others coz they have broad shoulders and a heart of gold and iron! Sometime but why us haven't we be through enough with dad and his cancer and my mum with her cancer and my brother and now this. Bloody hell. Come on the shoulder doesn't need anymore with Jess and stacey and now this. Don't ya just love life and it curve balls but as a family ours chin are up and we will smile all the way through.

Over all the bullshit

Yep that's right so over it. Having trouble getting paid right, which is not helping my family at the moment. Other half that gets red light fines, so over it and now I find out he got a bill phone bill like a 1000. Yep so over men. Well the one I live with. I have enough to worry about with stacey after what I have seen today and now getting Jess to talk to her because her other sister is a waste of time. They hate each other and it's getting worst. Some days I feel I'm in a battle wit them both. She just doesn't let up on her and I'm looking forward to the day of peace. Somedays I need to run away from her myself but I take stacey with me. I'm so scared for stacey she hide away but you could say I do to. It's so much easier to. I love one of the guys I work with, we were talking about what's going to happen and she said stacey could go to her house and me too. I'm are you sure, she said yes maybe stacey can it best for her but I want to be there for it. I'm so lucky to find a good heart friend at work that cares for my daughter. She even wants to come to the next ghost tour with me. Well that's all my rant for tonight.

Great week and weekend

I love my job, the respect I get from my work mates is wonderful. They respect my opinion and always ask for it and it funny I get called out of class to go and talk to kids for them. I haven't been this happy in my work for years and im glad I made the choice to move on. I have made great new friends but I still keep then as work friends. As I have said to Rachael I'm happy who I am and I don't need to be with people, im happy to be by myself. Doesn't mean when they ask me to go with them I stay home either. I been going cricket pres with girls and I have netball next week which be interesting to see who wins from my team. As there is about 4 girls that can. Well we lost the cricket final but that's cool we have another go next year. Footy season is nearly here and we are all having fun about our teams st work, with our pe teacher who play with centrals and me with north and my boss with Norwood. It going to be the clash of the colours. Milky is great to work with and it's going to be fun stirring him on the field too. Stacey is going to meet him at the end of the term when she gets back from Melbourne. Im glad she heading there with all the stuff is about to hit the fan here in the next couple of weeks and the stress her and Jess are going go through and us already here now. Jess having a very emotional week with her talking and Giselle was fab she knew that something was going on. She said she won't let that bad man hurt you anymore mummy. I'm so proud of how we are all sticking together and helping these two get through it all. Yes stacey has change because of it and yes she has lost a lot over the last 6 weeks. She in protection mode but some people don't understand and don't want to understand. She protecting herself from more hurt. We all are, my big bro is still having treatment and the dreams I'm having had worried me, so we chatted and he trying to stay strong for me and he isn't telling us everything. Well yesterday was my nanna birthday and I have a lot of stuff of her now which I love. Jake is getting thinner and thinner and he cooks his own dinner when they have pizza. He wants to be a fitness coach now. Last night we went back to tailem town with Alison and co. Stacey and Nathan came with me. It was bloody fun and I'm still remember for the fifty shades if grey. Alison was telling me last night that she watches the Video and laugh because of my face expression. That was a great memory. Yes I can look back and smile now thanks to Rachael. It was supposed to be a 4 hour tour but end up being 6 hours tour. We got home about 3 this morning. Yes I would do it again later in the year. Well that's it for now back to chatting and playing games with my bud from work. :)

Today

After work I had another session with Rachael, wow it was fantastic. She makes me feel so good leaving her office. She told me, that she has notice I have come so far and that how I think it's not bad but good. I reflect on things and see how they work and if i could do it better. She told me its not bad to be this and how proud she is if me. Every time I leave she gives me more to think about. She is totally different and I love it. People would say what a load of bullshit but not me. We talk about my dreams and now I understand what they mean. Time saying I'm finally over it and can look back at the good times but has put it all behind me and move on. Now I have to put it in a compartment and just leave it. I feel so good about myself now and happy about me. I have so much more to learn from her and she gave a little of herself to me, which was nice hear about her life and how she gets over things. The day this stop, I should be so tune into who I am and how people can fit in my life.

Bad end

What bad end to a great week. Something happen at work today but in not going into, all I can say I have a great boss. The dreams and feeling lost and people alway leaving me. I know one thing someone said to me the other day, you will always have me and nothing will ever change that. Yeah I have heard that before from a old friend and now they have gone. She said she means it so I have to trust it because she know what has happen. I don't want to dream anymore they are doing no good to me. Maybe it's hope but I do know different. I went to the gym to get out the way I felt today. I took stacey to the movies to see beautiful creatures I love it and I would see it in a heart beat again. Well grand final Sunday, playing down by Elizabeth. I agree with my work mate get it out batting yep I will. Stacey was telling more about her art and how she has put the last photo of my mum and me. It was take two days before she die. I have never look at that picture, one day. What she said was beautiful. Well that's it for now.

Grand final

Oh yeah grand final, we are in the grand final for cricket. Oh next Sunday we are playing. Stacey can't wait this is her first. Bring it on westie girls.

Dreams, jake and family day out

I can't believe another dream but a bit different. Same people well a bit more in it. Just a different ending ok do what message is it now. Others telling you how stay away. Is this what really going on. Now I'm confused, other putting their nose in something they should and now they want out but to scared. I don't know. Listen to others and destroy things. I'm so proud of jake he eating so well for him and losing heaps of weight and I had to get out of my sick bed get some new clothes for him. He doing year 12 pe and learning how to eat better. Today we took Connor to look at more old cars it was a hot day and not good for someone running a temp but it gets him out of the house.

Dreams

Dreams what do they mean? I had been having same dream over the last couple night. Last night being sick and all I just put it down to being having a temp and that but sometimes I wonder. I know your not but why am I, I don't want to but I don't seem to shake it. If you are tell me because I would like to know. Last night was telling me your not needed I have this person and this person and this person and it was so cruel and nasty. I just went on to dream and how interpret. To see the same person in a dream. Again and again in your dreams is a sign that someone from the world after us trying to get in contact with you and trying to tell you something. You must try to understand and follow his or her direction. Hmm

Sick again

I can believe it sick again. It must be my year. Tonsillitis again just had it 3 weeks ago. Stacey was so exhausted today I gave her day off, she not sleeping at all with the stuff going on and all the school work. So today she slept and study. I know she wants to say hello but she her mother. Once hurt is no going back, I'm lucky she has support from one of my work mate. She know what's going on, well work mate some of them all know what had happen to her. They are great bunch of people. One was worried about me in class. Keep asking hey miss deb you ok, you seem abit sad today. Yeah I'm call miss Deb in the r:1 class. Well I'm off to the land of nod.

Stacey art

Stacey in art is doing, life and death and wow is all i can say. She has do 30 pages of art and her is photography. This is not a4, its a3. I'm so proud of her, she is still grieving for her nanna. Plus with all the court stuff and knowing it could taken up to two years and its a very slow process. With this art is about her nanna. Here are some photos from some of it. She so angry some her photos are like that. She see demons in the trees and giraffe and one pic is my mum and flowers Incorporated into it. I'm really worry about her, but one of the teachers I work with said she was the same moving away from people. she has always said not taken any crap this year, you either want to be in my life or leave. I tried to get her think about it but she decide i had enough, to be only one there when they want it. its been like that for a year mum and i have tried and tried but why do I always have too. I tried to keep her to keep a friendship but i wont but in anymore because she has asked me not to. So I will let her be but i watch her very careful. She home more often now and keeps to herself.

Memories and family

These are the last photos of my mum dads house and of the beach, Jake has lost so much weight and he is looking really good. Nathan and Stacey at the beach. these will be great memories.